noname

2011-04-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've met outstanding talent in various fields, and my own, however. I can't find people who share similar principles or talents in a way that allows several groups to mobilize and establish a new wave. we're past the bss, arcade fire, shins, wolf parade/modest mouse wave and in between the next. let us be the next.

Pinnacle of musical douchery

2011-03-12T00:35:00.001-08:00

Fucking guys that will only post the figureheads of genres as their favorite music. Yes, stating that you like songwriting pioneers such as Bob Dylan, David Bowie, The Beatles, Leonard Cohen, Nick Drake, experimental songwriting pioneers My Bloody Valentine, The Velvet Underground, Talking Heads, and experimental pioneers Philip Glass, and Steve Reich is technically infallible. But I feel like this is like saying that smaller artists don't have as much merit as a larger artist with influence over an actual audience aren't worth listening to. Sure, most of my favorite bands are pretty damn big. And other bands that I listen to that aren't that big might not be as good. But to only admit to listening to the figureheads of each style and to deny the merit of smaller artists is fucking douchery.

Taking a break from the internet

2011-02-24T23:45:00.000-08:00

The internet puts too much of my mind into theoreticals and honestly detriments from my living experience from the present; in terms of how I view potential and standards, the appropriation of time I put into doing things vs. my expectations of whats to come because of them is totally convoluted.

Somehow along the lines of somewhere

2011-02-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

Someone decided I did everything right and decided to congratulate me for it. Maybe it was me, maybe it was someone else. Either way, with the outcome of my actions, I'd like to believe that at some point in time I was doing everything right and I have been gifted because of it.

I am so fucking lucky

2011-01-31T16:22:00.001-08:00

I am so fucking lucky.

thank god life

2011-01-22T00:10:00.000-08:00

i'm so grateful to be surrounded by legitimately beautiful and talented people. it really helps with pushing my own standard of self as well.

Game

2011-01-10T23:06:00.000-08:00

It's honestly really simple. Keep calm, be yourself, be courteous. As everyone knows, it's not so easy to execute. First off, keeping calm. Keeping calm means being able to manage your emotions. Being able to manage your emotions when a new prospect comes into sight requires confidence and experience. Secondly, being yourself. Being yourself requires one to keep calm. Thirdly, being courteous. Being courteous requires both being yourself and keeping calm, as well as knowledge on your partner that supersedes the first two categories. So simple is obviously not easy.

What I'm trying to say is that I can't even keep calm for the most part. I'm noted by others for my courage and potential, but complete lack of success with making ends meet (due to many variables, which are sometimes independent by my personal execution). Even with options, the best opportunity remains the best opportunity. Don't think so much about. Just do it. The problem with this concept is that not everything relies on my own executional fortitude. I'm still required to wait, and during the down time, I maintain myself, and continue productive activities, yet... the prospects swamp my thoughts. Over-thinking permeates my being.

I don't think it'll stop until I achieve success even with my overarching anxieties and lack of chillness. While in a circumstance bearing potential, I don't think my anxieties and fears manifest themselves too noticeably into my behavior, but at the same time it might, and in no way could that be good. Without an ounce of finalized success, I am weary of the uncertainty of what could be and I have no perception of what is actually possible.

2010-12-19T01:38:00.000-08:00

i felt so alive, years ago

is it cliche to say, you're dead inside?

wasted time happens to all of us

responsibility goes perfect with depravity

get drunk in the night

pretend your life's alright

wake up, the rain is pouring

tell me who you thought that you'd become

i'm sorry, your life's a disappointment

(when we were young)

you knew

just because that you've grown older

doesn't mean you know what you're doing

oh the kids were right all along now

how I thought, how I thought

growing up is a lie, I realized

is it to soon to say, i've lost the way

smoke and carbonations realization

desnsitivity is just a disability

get drunk in the night

pretend your lifes alright

wake up, the rain is pouring

tell me who you thought that you'd become

i'm sorry, your life's a disappointment

I've written a lot of private posts for myself recently, but all I'm really trying to say is

2010-11-13T08:32:00.001-08:00

NO CONFIDENCE WEEK STARTS NOW!!!

Well

2010-10-26T23:41:00.001-07:00

Songwriting is the portrayal of experience. Unlike many other crafts, it doesn't take a formula of dedication, motivation and persistence to the same degree to create something beautiful and meaningful. Making something beautiful and meaningful require an intense desire to reflect experience from a persons life into it's aural manifestation. Thus it's dependent on living and what a person has done in their lifetime, which isn't why hard work is scaled to successfulness in music.

This is why so many people, who would otherwise be deemed fuck ups by society are worshiped as musicians. This is why those repressed by society (at least to some degree) don't comprehend the depth that goes into that simple 4 chord progression that they think they could've come up with, but didn't (and couldn't).

Passion, motivation (temporary or long-lasting) and talent are the means to the end, but persistence and understanding hardly play into the equation. For certain individuals who encompass the first three characteristics, the latter traits may enhance them, but will not replace them. Although there aren't many definite examples, its pretty obvious that Radiohead, The Beatles, Modest Mouse, or My Bloody Valentine demonstrate these principles. I don't wish to be them, but I wish to be great like them.

Rec

2010-10-26T22:19:00.001-07:00

I am starting to reinvent my songwriting process. Although I stated that I am 'reinventing' my songwriting process, I am not overhauling it, but rather modifying it heavily. I feel as though it was functional before but not fully fledged, and now it is becoming fully fledged. The core principles were always the same: express the thoughts and feelings I have as effectively as possible. Through this all-encompassing goal, there are tons of factors that contribute to the end goal, song structure, melody, delivery, chordal arrangement, and really too much to go into. Further into this tree of elements, each factor branches into explanations as to what constitutes a good melody, good delivery and so forth (not as if there is one explanation of each, but several theories for each, which every songwriter needs to decide for him/herself intuitively or consciously).

With my supposed newfound sense of understanding, I now have a sense of direction, and probably enough for an LP. The concept of an LP was always intimidating, because bands that release LP's with a few good tracks can be considered good, but are either easily forgotten or listened to often but with the understanding of their immense songwriting flaws (that prevent them from creating consistently good tracks).

I want to release a great LP, that not only demonstrates a distinct style, but consists of genuinely good songs that can be listened to many times with the listener drawing something new out of it every time. I want to release a great LP, and have listeners who can still see potential for growth. Bands that are primarily stylistic are usually respectable and enjoyable to listen to, but don't have enough backbone in their writing. An example, I guess, would be a decently structured essay with a few great sentences, but nothing that sticks to you as a whole. The effectiveness of music, however, seems to be far more subjective and abstract as to what proves effective. But I previously had a feeling as to which elements are most important to utilize in my own songwriting, and I now have which was only multiplied in understanding recently.

Reinvention

2010-10-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm undergoing some sort of reinvention with my music. Too much of my previous playing was related to chance and noodling based solely on my intuition, which frequently lead to dead ends and homogeneous sounding instrumentation. An emphasis on the balance between overall song structure, melody, and lyrics needs to be utilized. The creative process between writing an incredibly intricate and interesting song or guitar part is entirely different from writing a comprehensively good song or guitar part. Some of my favorite players utilize intuitive, noodley playing, but their playing would not work contextually with songs that emphasize the balance I seek. My favorite bands, such as Modest Mouse, My Bloody Valentine, and Radiohead all utilize the triad of elements that constitute what I consider to be great songs. Although the players in these bands probably use their intuitive sense to write, it is not as haphazard as the noodling approach, and based off of habitual fingering of the guitar or previously successful compositions that they've written; each part is concise and clearly gets the point across. This is why their music has proved itself by evolving over the course of time-- their playing evolves because it has room to evolve.

If anyone reads this, that's too bad because I'm pretty much talking to myself and without explanation, what I'm saying will seem illogical.

authenticity

2010-10-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

I do not understand artists that don't understand authenticity. Since I'm not as well educated on visual art in comparison to auditory art, I'm just gonna talk about music for now. In general, music written with a specific purpose: to convey personal thoughts or emotions (this excludes bands and musicians such as Lightning Bolt, Explosions in the Sky, Hella, or Battles who I can say with 90% certainty have different intentions, ie conceptualism, despite the obvious emotions conveyed throughout their own music). Let's look at music as a performing art. I don't understand the idea of someone intentionally thrashing around or headbanging if they're not actually into it. Do these musicians/bands watch their influences do similar things and decide to follow in their footsteps? It seems counterproductive for the entire creative process, utilizing another persons defining characteristics to their own 'advantage' by veiling their own lack of substance with performance, song structure, melody and anything else that they could scrape together to create what would be considered their own artwork.

I'm sure many of the bands that utilize such shallow techniques aren't aware of what they're doing, and it may even be pretty logical and natural to them (I'd assume so, considering that inordinate amount of people that do it) but its an uncomfortable thought

epiphany

2010-10-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

i played guitar for 8 hours today. i've always respected those who could do something with pure focus and motivation nonstop, but i learnt that i am not one of those people. i may record or practice for hours at a time, but i cannot do so continuously because the stimulus i seek for my actions to mean anything are more important than the practice. the constant thought about why I need to apply living to my practice is the important part.

these philosophies are not directly represented in the bands i listen to but it is so present. for instance let's take a look at modest mouse. they are the epitome of this idea. isaac brock probably worked for extended durations on songs in one way or another, but his merit stems from everything else he has done, that isn't music related-- it's apparently isaac brock doesn't just sit down and practice guitar all day, and that's ok because so much thought was put into the execution that this tightness is playing is only beneficial situationally (and not in brocks case).

I would consider myself a songwriter and although hard work, perseverance and motivation are all beneficial in many circumstances as a songwriter, they are not as important as what I would describe as hard work (II). Hard work II is essentially the process where an artist is a thinker-- by living, the artist thinks and either subconsciously or consciously determines how to reflect their external stimulus in their lives into their art. Hard work II is not the sitting down and telling yourself not to procrastinate and practice practice practice rudiments, but the frequent hyperawareness of ones surroundings, that is undeniably a difficult thing to bear 100% of the time. Thus hard work II is a state of perpetual work. In one way or another, anybody that is incredibly skilled at anything thinks about that thing all the time; it it ingrained in their essence. however, the difference with the artist utilizing this form of hard work II is that their craft relies on it. thus living needs to be on the forefront: the good, and the bad...

The problem with hard work II is that it is not entirely controllable, but then again in the end everything relies on luck, so I guess it's as controllable as anything else with variable outcomes.

I guess what i am trying to say is that it's important to live. pretty obvious for an artist i guess, but of course hard work I needs to compliment II, especially for someone like me. it's the balancing point that is incredibly difficult to find.

new realization of lols

2010-10-07T22:13:00.001-07:00

every time a girl is into me, i tell myself that they are not the type of girl who would usually be into me (in a good way). FOR EVERY GIRL, LOL

Wowowow

2010-09-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

I am actually going to write this, and I'm glad nobody will read it but it's going to be so intensive...

I encountered who I'd assume would be one of the most gorgeous people I have ever laid my eyes across, on the INTERNET. Needless to say, the internet is THE king of lies and deception; but cut me some slack for this one occasion. Considering that this is someone that off of first impressions is one of the most gorgeous people ever, I can only say that she is, by proxy unattainable to me. And in reality, there exists people like this and it's undeniable. Look at John Lennon, look at Bjork, look at Cat Power. I recognize that in order to interact with the 'top' of ANYTHING, whether it be the most talented musicians, artists, computer programmers or most attractive people, you have to be at the top yourself.

Personally, I'm not working hard enough to be at the top. I'd consider myself pretty hardworking, but there are enough people that are as hardworking as I am, and I need to be more than that to reach the top; the top is not only for petty things such as achieving success with women who would be considered the 'top', but for self-enrichment and knowledge. Knowing this, the most amazing aspect of the process is the fact that all these elements can theoretically go hand in hand, which is what I am trying to obtain. It's been said a thousand times, but even if you have natural talent, you're not going to reach your potentially without putting the hours in.

Having said this, the current top that I am pursuing is, unfortunately, the most beautiful women. This girl in particular that I am talking about is not only incredibly beautiful but is seemingly interesting and smart. Let's not consider that I found her online-- remember that we are well aware that people like this exist in reality, and in this point in time, I have no chance. It is the concept that destroys me, and a concept that I am willing to suffer for until I can obtain it.

WHY do I want to have a chance based on LOOKS? I am blinded; if a substantially less attractive person had the exact same personality, I would not be remotely phased. It's a matter of shallowness.

A justification for my behavior, however, would be my interest in the synergy of all forms of beauty: both looks, character and accomplishments, which are brought upon by character (passion and dedication seem vital for accomplishments, will talk about this another time). Why are looks important in any sense when they aren't dictated by hard work or talent? Hard work and talent aren't much less of a natural occurrence as appearance I realized recently. Although we praise talent and hard work, people who are talented or work hard have situational or natural tendencies to work harder (an extension of this theme is determinism, and my conclusion on it: although it seems to exist, we are under the guise that it doesn't and can only act as if it doesn't). However, the difference between using this argument towards life and towards physical appearance are two entire stories.

In life, we CANNOT cease to act as if we aren't in control of our actions. We do not have the conscious ability to stop our brains from thinking this. However, with physical appearance, we naturally appreciate it, and are taught to appreciate hard work and talent, but because I know believe that they are both naturally occurring and have little to do with the externally developed merit of the individual (I sound like a fucking douche bag I never hold these destructive, fatalistic theories) I feel justified in appreciating physical appearance.

If I can appreciate a naturally occurring musical genius, I should be equally able to appreciate naturally beautiful appearance. Shallowness is merely an extension on this theme; it raises the issue of whether or not WHICH naturally occurring appearances I deem attractive should matter.

Honestly, I believe that my judgment in appearance is on par with my judgment of the arts: I understand why I like certain aspects of the medium, but it is still culturally influenced and affects by understanding. Yes, I could easily think someone is more beautiful because of their character, but those who carry both are the most beautiful and crush my heart with the here thought of them. Radiohead would be my musical parallel to having both visual beauty and character, Lightning Bolt would be solely character, and perhaps Baths would be predominantly visual beauty; as demonstrated, all three work, but only when character and visual appearance (or auditory appearance) combine do they form something much more beautiful than one or the other. I do think that character holds far more depth than looks, but looks are an incredibly significant factor in the overall presentation of the medium.

In regards to myself, I consider myself a normal looking guy (i'm not going to state whether I think i'm good or bad looking), so I need to fortify my character and my accomplishments in order to match the attractiveness of any potential partners I encounter.

Having said this, I am fucking dying. I am motherfucking dying. I see these beautiful people, with their looks, and their accomplishments, and I strive to be one of them. I am motivated, I may have the talent, and I may be working towards it at the very moment, but TIME moves slower than I'd believe is possible, and faster for all the wrong things. Time is perceived in a paradox: good times go faster, bad times go slower. There is a school of thought that stresses that the present is all we have and we need to live in the moment to truly appreciate and experience life. I can believe it. But I'm not enlightened. The reason I think it is so difficult is because I see these people. I see these people who are so fucking beautiful, who have aged and molded their experiences into themselves in conjunction with their appearance, and I think: how can I enjoy myself, if that is something that I can become? Because I have hope in the endeavor of becoming one, in the present, I feel worse than ever.

What I want is not proportionate to who I am. The minuscule gap of in the window of hope left my mind open to imagine that I had a figment of a chance with the girl. I am so angry, and so disdained, and so motivated, but I don't feel any positivity although I am taking what seems like the most logical approach-- to work for what I want for. Maybe it really is unattainable. Or maybe I just don't know what I want. My soul is getting crushed.

omer dream

2010-08-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

was on facebook in the dream, saw omer's relationship status which wasn't single, he was with some blonde... the picture was chieeeelwave as hell. i was jamming at one point in his room on the guitar. i was in his room (which wasn't actually his room) and it seemed like they came back from swimming and I asked him dumbass questions like how wasss it and such, and the girl looked like julie pirkle wtf??? later he came in alone and told me he wasn't actually in a relash and everytime they got close to kissing they pushed her away. later, they were talking about different tennis coaches or something and told omer (or someone else) that he shouldn't change camps and should stay with the same place and she sounded really distraught. weird

Don't know & can't trust

2010-07-12T01:28:00.001-07:00

There is this concept of emotional thresholds that has been brought up recently. An emotional threshold is a threshold which designates how much emotional strain somebody can take before they are unable to do something.

For example, I have a friend who says that in high school he was unable to do tedious school work. I have another that claims he is unable to commit to something and pursue it (in a somewhat fatalistic/depressive manner). I have another (that from my understanding) claims that the shuns of her peers aroused an enormous rage and lasting bitterness within her.

With this criteria, how do I decide whether someone has an weak emotional threshold, or is just complaining like a bitch? If someone decides to say that their (said thing) is the reason for their problem, I'm unable to deny it, because I am not them, but I'm also unable to believe it, because when put into retrospect, the reasons are extremely difficult to believe. The easiest solution would be if I didn't care-- but i'm human, and because these people are my friends, I attempt to understand (to no avail). This concept disturbs me immensely because it raises the issues of validity (regarding the issue) and the distribution of respect (in correlation to their strengths: emotional thresholds/motivation) I appropriate towards each individual.

As a friend, I'm also supposed to be able to trust and accept the variety of different behaviors. However, if my friends decide to complain or raise their issue as a means to vent, I'm not horrible enough to simply shut them down, but I find it incredibly grating to just sit by and listen to their inability to surpass their utterly terrible emotional threshold.

People: in-compre-fucking-hensible...

it's completely idiotic

2010-03-06T19:19:00.000-08:00

when close-minded academically driven morons who are somehow into music disrespect actual musicians they are acquainted with when they choose to pursue their art entirely over school

taste

2010-03-03T15:48:00.001-08:00

taste in music doesn't mean shit if the reasons behind liking the music are stupid.

=

2010-01-09T19:25:00.000-08:00

Other people affect my mood too much. They can really drag me up or down in an instant. Empathy can be a very good or bad thing for me. I appreciate it, but I also hate it.

It's like I have no emotions of my own...

2010-01-08T11:53:00.001-08:00

" i am to young to grow old and i really really truly hope i die first. I don't want to lose this. this passion. i want to be crazy forever I WANT to be crazy forever but i fear i may just be crazy"

Really man, I don't know how you adhere to such beliefs as these.

1. First comes nihilism, adhering to the belief that there is no meaning. If you live for truth, how can you possibly disregard the possibility. Believing in nothing with such certainty is the same as believing in god with the same amount of certainty.

2. Secondly comes this, the belief that the craziness and passion is all existence has to brings. This could easily be the same logic people use to kill themselves. Although the belief of passion and craziness as positive thing is totally legitimate, by saying you're afraid your going to 'lose it' and hope that you die first could be analogous to a suicidal person saying that pain is all existence has to bring. If we look down on age, it's no difference than old people looking down on us. Maybe they've been through this and can remember the idiocy after years and years of actual experience. Not all old people are like the typical parents as you can imagine. Them looking down on us may be as easily justified as you looking down on them. So what's truth? I don't think you can assume that this rage and insanity is truth and I know that you're addressing the uncertainty in your post, but i'm just saying.

3. Fuck girls and stuff.

Life

2009-12-14T00:38:00.001-08:00

This life is not for me.

Going to community college makes sense to me now since all the schools I want to apply to are, for the most part, unrealistically expensive. But I've been disenchanted, and I thought that I was the only one. I mean, out of all of my better friends, I decided to go to CC.

I learnt recently that this wasn't true at all. I wasn't the only one who was disenchanted for whatever reason. A friend of mine became a college stoner, something that really isn't a big deal to most people and occurs all too often. It brought up this years old concept that we've all heard: ignorance is bliss. I've been surrounded so often by my friends who are usually completely amazing people, not just in character but in terms of what they pursue and how they go about doing so. Because I've been around these people for the most part, seeing an old friend of mine that shares no values or understanding of, well, pursuing any endeavor totally blew my mind. By blowing my mind I mean making me feel like complete shit.

This friend of mine has had girl problems and difficulty coping with the fact that he would need to create totally new friends in a totally new environment-- something that makes complete sense for most freshmen in college. But instead of meeting people he would like to meet, his inactive personality took whatever he could that was given to him-- mediocre people and weed.

Instead of finding an effective method of coping, he instead stubbornly insisted on doing nothing. Although I am not one to preach about 'giving back to the community', smoking weed, playing video games, doing poorly in school and expending resources seems a little unfair to everyone who, at least to some extent, "earns" their stay. In the most brutal interpretation of what I just said, it may be sort of saying who "deserves" to live(?) But don't get me wrong here-- i'm not saying my friend deserves to die. What i'm meaning to say is that all his goals and intentions and reasons for existing seem to be ignored simply for the fact that he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Before all he wanted to do was 'procreate and have a family', something that I thought was totally weird to begin with, and totally doesn't make sense with my personal set of values because I haven't thought about it enough. Regardless of whether his values match up with mine, he seemed to have a reason to exist. Now he's either given it up, or has totally ignored it.

To be honest, he might just be in a bad place right now, and I'm probably being a gigantic fucking douchebag. But at the same time, it pisses me off when all I hear my friend talk about is smoking pot or how much pot he's going to smoke.

And secondly, I'm holding a bit of a grudge. He openly admitted that he wasn't helping me last night when I was puking my guts out, even when complete strangers were. I feel as if I were more of his responsibility than some strangers at least.

I'm just venting right now but blogging feels pretty nice at this point.

Wall

2009-06-20T06:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got in an argument with a friend of mine. Not a good friend, but we get along. Regardless I know there are many interactions I can't have with this guy.

1. Argument. With argument, any hope is lost and frustration erupts in every direction because he will get easily frustrated and give up and commence with the concept that either 'it's not important' or 'you will not get it'.
2. Anything regarding his behavior. He can get annoying at many times, and if I were to address this, he would most likely get defensive.

Later, I told another friend what our argument was about. I got a response here and there, but received no real advice. After I completed a lengthy and conclusive message, the response I got was regarding her own personal life. I found this to be depressing because it was so in character for her to talk about her own life when I was trying to tell her something that I considered important and was already in the middle of. In this example, I wanted to tell her how I felt- that she was self centered and that it's happened many times before. Once again I realized I had limitations and that she was another person who wouldn't accept a confrontational method. I have tried before.

Recently I've been direct and stated obviously mean or unfair things people have been doing to myself or others. On two accounts my confrontational method has failed entirely. I realized that it only works towards fairly self aware people. My relationships with my 'unaware acquaintences' create a lot of tension on my part because at least 20-30% of these 'friendships' I keep with these people are based upon restriction.

The problem I have with this is a lot of people don't have enough self awareness and need indirect means of altering their behavior. This is upsetting to me because it causes me to believe that this is the cause of the severe potential barrier. I believe to be able to succeed above and beyond in any field requires a self awareness of one's abilities and consciousness of their entire character and aspects that hold them back. If someone is unable to comprehend themselves and their capacity as a person and artist/doctor/musician/researcher/insert talent here how could they maximize their potential?

Fuck that.

Renew

2009-06-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in ages, but that is okay. I'm going to explode all over this post within the next 27 minutes (the amt of battery I have left on this laptop).

School is essentially over. We have finals week, then graduation on Friday. To me, finals week is not even a real week. I haven't had too many good friends over the course of high school, and hardly participated in any extracurricular or academic endeavors strongly, but everything I've fucked up in ended up creating more than I could ever hope for. Although I know my talent is very controversial (in the sense that it could be greatly appreciated or disliked), I appreciate it for being a talent that I can pursue without grimacing or bitching. My state of mind is not totally secure at the moment, but I can feel strongly and realistically about all of this for at least the next week and the week after graduation.

Getting a job only solidifies my existence outside of high school. The entire concept of saving money to live on your own stems from money. Although the saying "money isn't everything" is metaphorical, it's true in the literal sense. If you'd like to pursue your goals, you need money to live on your own, buy materials (art, music, academic etc.) and invest (in the bank or in your future). The core of needing money to pursue any goal is not depressing to me because it generally doesn't alter the outcome of many peoples growth including myself (unless severely disadvantaged from birth). Still there are success stories from those types and I believe in them, because they are usually the most inspiring and 'real' out of all.

This day has allowed me to recognize my faults and my commendable traits. I realized that I'm not a kid anymore and the things I do hold weight to not only myself but those around me. I'm not saying that because of the graduation taking place so soon, but the concept of everyone leaving, and me having to start from scratch with this matter. This post is unbelievably cathartic although convoluted. I must restate once again that I am not in a stable mindset.

The future is ours and fucking up immensely will usually lead to epic successes. I will be grateful for all these. Some particular people I know are going to make some change in their respective fields. I hope to become one of them, but I cannot have absolute confidence in this because 1. I am not egotistical enough and 2. I am realistic. I save my realism for myself and hope for others. If anybody needs to be truthful, it's one towards him/herself.

We'll live and during these times of acceptance (more so than ever before) we are actually more free to pursue different goals. I just hope that everyone is willing to risk as much as possible to achieve them. Failure is imminent if risks are canceled out and disregarded completely. But as people grow up I believe that they have the understanding that there is not other way to go. At least the smart ones. I hope my many of my friends are those people, or will become those people. I am going to try hard- much harder than I am now. I will live hard and hopefully die hard.

To reach people you have to live beyond race and culture. I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER. I HOPE WE WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL TOGETHER. NO EXAGGERATIONS. I HAVE HOPE. AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS. SOMETIMES LOGIC NEEDS TO BE THROWN ASIDE.

The Weekend

2009-05-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Although the weekend is a time for rest, I've been so extraordinarily lazy and useless in the past several weeks that I dread the weekends. I've gone out of a practicing groove, which I definetely need to get back into. First step would be to turn off the computer except for the following purposes: 1. Downloading music 2. Reading Comics 3. Checking Email 4. Blogging. I look forward to the next week, solely for school- and why? Cause I want something to fill up my time so I don't waste it doing the same repetitive things on the computer. This shouldn't be happening, so that's where my No Computer Except For The Following Activities initiation takes place.

Here's a story.

In the past, I have blogged about how people don't approach each other in high school and thus lose many oppurtunities to make friends and meet people they thought that they could become acquainted with. I felt this way as well. I wasn't comfortable with approaching random people because nobody did it; I had no vantage point or real life experience that could aid me to do something like this (indie movies DO NOT count as real life experiences).

But I became desperate. In my desperation, I developed courage. Though I had the courage to talk to this certain random girl, I did not have the confidence and my delivery was shaky. But the point is, I did something that practically nobody on the face of the planet would do in High School. I did it!

It took me an entire week to sum up the courage. I didn't miss the first oppurtunity I got. I was walking out of the Attendance Office, where I spotted her.

I CAN'T DO IT

I thought to myself as I walked towards the Library. I made a right turn, where I sat on the floor in front of Mr. Browns classroom. She walked into the library, and I was greeted by Nate, who just came out of the library. I said hi and I told him how I needed to talk to this random girl, and how I didn't have the balls. Somewhere along these lines I developed the balls again. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by Stanley, urging me on to convert my bike into a fixie. I ignored him and started walking into the Library, with conviction.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

I kept on walking, and into the Library I went. I thought I could do it, but once again I didn't have the courage. So I stood for a while until I noticed Stanley again.

"Do it. Do it!" He said, referring to his bike conversion idea.

Not paying any attention to him, the words were urging me on to do something else. Still I didn't do it, so I just sat in a chair by a table ater the bell rung. After careful analysis I realized that she was the librarians aid. It was hilarious to me because she was such a shy, librarian chick type already. At this point, it was too late for escape. She started pushing the chairs back towards the desks, scattered everywhere by carefree 3rd period class. These were the desks by which I was sitting.

"Do you need any help?"

"No, thanks though" She said, smiling. I didn't expect anyone to be uncomfortable with the fact that someone was offering help. Maybe it was because I was a guy. I don't think guys try to talk to her or anything.

"Wait- could I talk to you real quick?"

I stood up, and walked up to her. At this point, I couldn't go back. My fear skyrocketted. I was sinking inside of my head. But it was too late. I already-

"Uh.. I know that I don't know you... and you don't know me, but... I'd really regret it if I didn't talk to you at all... and I was wondering if you wanted to, uh, get lunch sometime"

I'm pretty sure I sounded awkward. And I'm positive that my voice was shaking. This was more expected than what came afterwards.

"Uhm... I don't know... no thanks... It was nice of you to ask...".

It wasn't the result that baffled me. It was the delivery. Her voice was shaking harder than I was , and she was redder than I could ever become... How do people become this shy? Or did I really do something that outrageous?

I don't think I'm giving it up yet.

Equation of Life

2009-05-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Scott Pilgrim + Cough + BR-600 + Courage + Librarians Assistant + Rejection= ...

Takagi

2009-04-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

I've been disliking/hating a lot of people recently. This isn't because I think I am better than them. This is also not because I think that people should be devoid of flaws. Instead, it is because I hate those flaws regardless. They are either petty, or they affect other people in some way, whether it be me or someone else. I'm not sure if I do these things, but... I haven't liked myself recently either. I'm hateful, lack motivation, sit in front of the computer all day (literally), don't practice, don't excel at school, nor am I watching any new movies or reading any new books. I also shy away from people in a disgusting way. I don't know if they see it this way, but when I react to them, I feel sickly in myself. This is not for me.

Fuck All

2009-04-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

When I refer to people, I refer to people I know

There's no point of becoming a bitter, old man. The point of becoming bitter is a coping strategy for things that you believe you cannot solve, so you become bitter to cope with them. It means you care, but it also means you're inactive enough to do anything about it. So what counts more? Doing something of course. There's never 'nothing you can do'.

In fact, if someone were to be outwardly bitter, it's almost a guarantee that they aren't doing shit. People who are doing shit about things they feel are bad about their lives or the world don't become bitter. There would be no place for bitterness. For instance, think of the typical old person thinking to himself "grrr... kids". This may be a stereotype, but even HERE in high school, I know that there are little fucking kids who think they are very grown up with this mindset. Are they right? Do they have a right to go "grrr... kids"? Of course. But that doesn't change the fact that they have to both live with it and find a way to deal with it instead of pissing themselves off. I'm not here to offer a fucking solution, in fact I may be as bad as these bitter people nowadays, but I'm conscious of it and I'll surely stop if I even breach barriers between acting like one of these bitter, mature kids over myself.

There's just one thing I have to say to all these arty, depressed kids I see everywhere these days. You're not Elliott Smith, Nick Drake, or Kurt Cobain. First of all, Elliott Smith and the rest had legitimate psychological disorders, and had a legitimate coping strategy- music. Even through their support and all, they was still unable to feel better about himself. I obviously don't know them personally but it's probably given that 99% of you are not suffering like they were, and regardless, 'artistic' people I've been around act similarly to them in the sense that they are bitter and affected by such little things around them. I don't know if this is just a trait of characters I've been around, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were attributed to more similar people.

People seem to victimize themselves for the sake of who knows what. I could only think of the following reasons- 1. to boost their artistic character 2. to put themselves in an easier position. But wait- how is putting yourself in the position of the victim an EASIER option? It clearly is from what I've seen because when you are the supposed 'victim', everything bad that is happening to you is not because of 'you' but because of 'other things around you'. I've victimized myself when I shouldn't have.

The difference between me criticizing this concept and participating in it and others who only participate in it is, well, once again... how conscious we are of it. The first step to changing stuff you dislike or hate about yourself or the world is recognizing it. Of course this alone won't do anything. I'll have to take man steps.

no prospects in mind

2009-04-15T22:33:00.001-07:00

make adrian materialistic, greedy, lazy, and shitty

Somehow

2009-04-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

I feel good. I feel like I can survive and I feel like something good is about to happen. Although I have no basis for my hope, I have some and soon enough I will become grounded into reality again. But for now, I hope my feelings of existing aren't futile. They have been, but it's been many times already. Things can change and defy your expectations. How else could interesting things happen? Through instability. If everything happened stably, there's no point of expecting anything special at all. So I take it back. My hope does has a basis. There's instability and I'm waiting for it to sweep me away. Why don't you do something to help it along it's way? I am by simply existing. What I look for exists somewhere else, only partially attributed to myself.

Wait

2009-04-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

I don't want to become more snappy. But I feel like I am becoming so. I've been patient in my relationships with people and now I've grown tired. Felt like I've been fucked with. And I'm sick of it, you'd think smart people would get it; some do, some disregard it and vent out themselves. When I feel obligated to speak out, they may be so used to me giving useless, alleviating advice that my words of opposition offend them. Fuck you though, who do you think you are. Just cause I haven't snapped at you or blatantly expressed anger (because that is not what I've felt at the time) doesn't mean it won't come. People say don't criticize others if you can't criticize yourself, but that's all I've been doing. Getting on my case about what I've done wrong, and it's what you (plural) have emphasizing. I'm done owning myself, it's the only thing I've been doing. This is what I see:

You: who the fuck do you think you are. I know you are unbelievably smart and talented, and like everyone else there are flaws about you, but yours are enormous. I'm sick of the righteousness, and I'm sick of the inferiority you assume onto me. You act spoiled in the sense that you explode once things don't go your way and act as if there's some huge tumult of emotion that coincides with your obstacles.

You: who the fuck do you think you are. Regardless of whether you're smart or dumb, you're not humbled by any stretch of the imagination no matter how much you try to pretend and suppress that idea (that you are a genius). It's all pretend, and I've seen you swim in the pool of your "creative mastermind". Bitching artistically is perfectly acceptable in all mediums, but when you exaggerate with the form you've just become a little bitch. If you stopped taking yourself so fucking seriously you might be able to learn a little about yourself and stop applying very definite definitions on your character and life.

You: who the fuck do you think you are. You're the pseudo-mature fool I've grown to hate. First, you'll mold what you talk about/act like (like every other insecure bitch) to feign interest in a person you're trapping (in this certain case, the idiot was me). Then you bait them and use them as a means for attention when necessary. Fucking with people is unrespectable cause it makes you a leech. A leech for attention, while providing false hope for others.

You: who the fuck do you think you are. All you do is indulge. Indulge in fucking drugs and hanging out and clothes and stupid pictures online. You don't provide anything for anyone. It doesn't even matter if this "you" is a singular person anymore because "you" encompass so many others- so unoriginal. You're like some sort of fairy that just dances around guys acting like an idiot, and they want you for it. But you won't give, and why? It doesn't matter, you make them look bad, you exposure their desires, and you play them for it. It's not entertaining to watch.

You: who the fuck do you think you are. You'll tell your side of the story, pretend to tell the other side of the story, and provide antics and appeal so everyone will side on your side. You'll tell them that you trust them and you don't tell others about whatever you're talking a bout, when it's obvious you do tell everyone. My friend knows so, you talk to us both and say the same things. You're not always right and we're not always going to be on your side. Your problems aren't always very real. Don't talk to me about them and leave. That's what a blog is for, fucker.

I used to never feel like I could say fuck you to people due to the fact that I didn't know whether or not their problems/flaws were legitimate. But now I realize that many times they use it to their advantage to get away with things and have no intention to improve and hurt others because of it. And that's fucked, and I don't sympathize or empathize with it.

?

2009-04-03T08:29:00.001-07:00

Wait, what do I do now? I don't have a drummer, my guitarist is leaving for mexico for the summer, and I'm here in school. FUCKING SHIT

I Go In Cycles

2009-04-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

How can one be presumtuous enough to judge someone off of pictures and descriptions? Well I can, towards certain types of people. When people are attempting to be a certain way they naturally aren't (characteristically) in a subtle fashion, it can easily become much worse than if they were just straight forward with their intention. For some undisclosed, potentially fucked up reason, They tend to mold their pictures/profile on facebook (or any other social networking site) a certain way without seeming desperate or purposeful, it becomes the most desperate in reality (to me). Maybe I'm just straight up wrong to be so judgemental, but instinctual behavior may be life saving. Why am I talking about other people now? Cause I'm not really- it applies more to myself and how other people treat me...

For instance, James thinks I'm an idiot, and this may be warranted in some regard- I've acted or said things that we're out of place or just straight up retarded around him, but in total, I'd have to disagree- I'm not an idiot. There's a difference between thinking something about someone before hand, and acting upon your presumption. He does the latter. Which makes him an asshole in this regard. Asshole.

Parker thinks that I'm intense and make absolute judgements and adhere to them. I asked him today if I snapped at him when I responded to his statement. He said yes. Regardless of whether or not the last part is true, the first observation isn't true, and I disagreed wholeheartedly- but I do acknowledge his second judgement- I might just one of the most intense people he's ever met. I do intense things not because I want to adhere to an absolute truth or belief, but because I am tired of acting passively. I'm calculative, so when the time comes to be active, I assume all responsibility of my action (if I chose to follow my judgement/calculation, if I don't lose my balls) and provide a decisive answer/responding action. Regardless, this answer isn't an absolute, as I'll state one more time. I'll always leave room for variance and flexibility, but if I want to get anywhere in terms of acting, I guess I may come off as explosive and absolute.

It's true that I'm usually inactive when it comes to doing things, but it's mainly because I don't do things gradually- or I do, but just in my head. What kind of examples could I provide regarding these things? I'm talking about my life here, and it's my blog- I'm allowing myself to be as abstract as possible. Another reason for this 'intensity' may be due to my tendency to snap even after gradual decline of positive emotion. In other words, I don't have to pent up emotion to snap (although it may aid in my snapping occasionally). Fortunately, I don't consider myself 'snappy'.

Once again, who knows, these justifications I am making may be equally as bad as how my friends and enemies (goddamnit James) interpret these qualities I'm justifying. If I'm so convinced that I know so little, why would I even bother with explanations- or attempts at them? 1. Because I can and 2. Because it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, if everything is so subjective. My purpose is to find the ultimate balance and be able to live without leaning too heavily towards the extremes, belief wise. See, this in itself is an intense belief, in the sense that I'm behaving in a way that is affected by this logic, which is deductive but not absolute- so what do I do when I hate being wrong (or even just potentially wrong) about my judgments, and still end up with a belief that I don't know whether or not I should adhere to? I'll live with it and find out what ends up having the best result. Although I hate talking about life as one singular thing, I'd like to just for this one example: Life seems like a huge experiment, and the only thing you can do is reap the best positive results for yourself- even if those means are helping others, it is always reflected upon back to your own purpose- if you're human. I think. Goddamnit.

Come to terms with it

2009-03-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

Come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to go directly to college in the next 1.5/2 years. Come to terms with the fact that I won't know what to do after that either. Come to terms with the fact that music might not get me anywhere. Come to terms with the fact that I probably won't meet people for a long time. Come to terms with the fact that I enjoy very little outside of music. Come to terms that I can simultaneously think intellectually with versatility. Come to terms with the fact that you need to legitimately find a job before it's too late. Come to terms with the fact that romance is essentially false. Come to terms that you need to do something about all of this. Fast.

Maturity

2009-03-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

Maturity is obnoxiously sought out in high school. Almost everyone winces from being called immature, if called seriously. The problem is maturity is assumed to come with seriousness. Of course you can force seriousness upon yourself for no good reason. Why teenagers assume seriousness with maturity, is due to immaturity. They assimilate everything bad about maturity, such as pseudo-seriousness, and activities that adults participate in such as reading books, listening to 'sophisticated' music, and drink teas or dine exquistely- activities they cannot even attempt to understand the depth of at all, content wise, music-wise, text-wise, or flavor wise.

The most absurd part is the fact that their rushing these things. Activities that adults enjoy grow with age and when teenagers force these activities upon themselves, I personally feel ridiculous and embarassed to be around such people. Parker helped me come to the realization that a real mature teenager understands the meaning and connotation of their age and the people he/she's surrounded by. By knowing this, he/she makes the best decisions accordingly instead of assuming the 'responsibilities' of someone much older; their lives are situationally different in almost every way. Another example of immaturity that these 'mature kids' exude is a feeling, or act of elitism. They then isolate themselves to people similar to them- obviously not truly mature people, but pseudo-matures. To isolate yourself in this particular manner is to ignore what is unpleasant in an individuals life for the sake of their own 'maturity'. Who the shit would want to spend time around fools like them? It's honestly too much.

Bitch Half

2009-03-27T22:37:00.001-07:00

(Rant max1200 beware. You don't need to beware if you don't read though.)

Craptasm 10,000 PT 1. Crappings I have had.

1. A million tests this week, which I finished crappily.
2. A lack of sleep.
3. Rejuvenated annoyance/frustration @ idiots, to be slight more specific, approx. 4 or so.
4. Ownage inflicted upon by mom.
5. Ownage inflicted by Anna.
6. No band practice on Sunday.

Good Stuff.

1. People liked the song up on my page.
2. A potential bassist.

What I Can, and Cannot Do

2009-03-24T23:31:00.001-07:00

I can do very few things. But to start off I'm going to talk about everything I can't do. I can't do school well, I can't play sports well, I can't do anything well essentially. I don't want to lengthen it by citing individual activities. However, I can do music well. Maybe it's because I have emotions and no other way to express them but musically. Through my friends I'm limited through audio- through the phone. Other mediums such as writing and stuff are futile. I wan't to just primitively scream and yell right now, but I have no means of doing so through these words. Fucking retarded.

what the fuck is this?

2009-03-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

I don't need some asshole aka my mom telling me what I'm doing wrong and only what I did wrong on one individual aspect after I spent my entire life/soul working on all aspects of this song I put up. Everything about this song I worked so hard for was dismissed after one statement and she left without listening through the entire thing. I'm going to fucking kill someone. Goddamnit what the hell is this, and I'm not even sure that I agree with the accuracy of that statement.

GODDAMNIT WHT HTE FUCK

epic? epoch!?

2009-03-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

My favorite phrase:

"I don't know... ANYTHING!"

It's universally true in an exaggerated way, and it's also the best response I can say to anything I don't want to answer. I'm joking, somewhat. Somewhat... It's a joke half the time, but i'm being serious half the time as well.

I don't get people who are epic at so many things. Some people just own at school, own at music, own at everything I want to own at. Do I hold a candle to those dudes? I haven't a clue. I'm a fool in the sense that I don't know how to do anything but music these days. I can't imagine meeting new people that I can become close friends with that aren't musicians. Because 70% of myself is boring, and I don't know how to talk about stuff other people talk about. It doesn't make sense to me at this point. The epic people I speak of are able to socially interact with all types of people effectively. The key word is effectively here, because I can interact, just not to the extent where I can obtain or develop any type of closeness (at least recently- by recently I mean for the past several months). Maybe it's just been this unfortunate year ridden with unfortunate boringness.

On a different note, this portion of this post will have the greatest likelihood to spiral into sexist remarks (don't worry, it won't actually). I haven't met any girl so far that have as much depth as any my closer friends. It might just be because I haven't gotten to get to know them well enough and develop a friendship, but to retort, I must say that I've been able to communicate less shallowly with male friends I've met and have only known for a short amount of time than with any girl I've ever met or developed a friendship with. I'm obviously not so bigotted to assume that all chicks lack depth and have max amounts of shallowness, but right now what I've seen is pretty embarassing and I'm really impatient to meet her. (on an unrelated note) it's more embarassing to me when I hear many girls complain/brag about how much more mature they are over guys, due to the fact that they generally

1. can't handle their emotions

2. can't handle relationships w/ friends or mates

3. are insecure to an illogical extent

4. act pseudo-mature when under the impression that they're more mature

By acting more mature than your age is just retarded, because first of all, unless you're an intense deviant of some sort, your brain is not formatted to think like a older to middle aged person, but that doesn't mean that you can't establish bounds between typical stupid teenage behavior and more mature behavior. So by acting like an older (25+) woman you're both lying to all of us and yourself. It's almost funny, but if I laugh I'd just be another bitter asshole. So I'm not going to laugh. It's not funny because of irony either. It's just sad, because stupidity combined with delusion is sad. I'm just establishing the idea for myself to recall, so in the future when I read my blogs I can see how stupid I once was (just like essentially every other blog I've ever written).

Ok I'm on crack, later.

post

2009-03-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

This is my first post in a while, but here I am for the two or three readers I have. I've felt crappy all the time while I'm around a particular someone; some phrases just hold more weight than others even if they were meant to be taken lightly, some things mean more than the sayer could possible imagine... So, I'll learn to not care again. It's not ignorance due to the fact that it's been thought over forever. I'm weak, things sway me much too easily.

CRACking

2009-02-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

I've wrote out what I want in a girl, yep

-awesome
-smart
-realistic
-badass
-hot
-pretty
-beautiful
-cute
-abnormal
-artistically talented
-likes good music

aka the impossible list

Open

2009-02-23T00:51:00.000-08:00

I've developed one singular, and as far as I have experienced or argued for, unfalsible philosophy. The philosophy to not believe in any absolutes, or philosophically at least. You may be thinking that this is an absolute in itself, but honestly, I'm taking a nihilistic approach to believing this in a sense. I'm not saying that this philosophy is correct, I'm just saying that it is the most effective philosophy that rids me of many other conceptual boundaries that would have halted my growth personally if I had believed in them (i.e, religion).

The negative effect of this philosophy is the fact that I can't regard any events with any well established moral compass, but now that I think about it... I just changed my mind. I actually do think this is a good thing. I will refer to the question "would you kill one person to save a 1000?" to support my point. To most people, killing is morally wrong, and the thousand would die indirectly so it is not the cause of a direct action, thus making it more moral to allow the one to live. If I had an established moral compass, the only reason I wouldn't choose to kill the individual is because I would assume/be convinced in all sincerity that "killing is wrong". By adhering to this absolute belief, what happens is 1000 others die indirectly, not by your hand but by the judgment taken from an absolute belief. Wasting the potential of 1000 individuals would be astounding and selfish on the morally righteous person; adhering to your own beliefs that will lead to the demise of the 1000.

If I stuck to a mode of philosophical or moral belief, the margin of error is unbelievably high- and although I am probably not going to do any better in my life by not adhering to a particular belief, I know I am not blindly basing all (or many) of my decisions off potentially (by potential I mean 50%) false beliefs.

Of course, I am a hypocrite. It would be impossible for me to adhere to the belief fully. If I was placed in a room given a knife or gun with someone telling me to "kill this man, or else 1000 others would die", I doubt I would be able to kill the man. But I am willing to acknowledge that I was wrong by not doing so.

Some things get taken too far... but it doesn't even matter.

2009-02-15T00:57:00.000-08:00

Adrian

SO sexi

12:01amEric

SEXYMATIC

12:01amAdrian

SEXITR0NIC

12:01amEric

SEXITATION

12:01amAdrian

SEXISTRUCTION

12:02amEric

SEXABILITY

12:02amAdrian

SEXIPHONIC

12:02amEric

SEXOSAURUS

12:02amAdrian

iSEXI

12:03amEric

SEXPOD

12:03amAdrian

SEXBOOK PRO

12:03amEric

SEXYSOFT

12:04amAdrian

SEXBOX 360

12:04amEric

WINDOWS SEXY ULTIMATE

12:04amAdrian

WINDOWS SEXEN

12:05amEric

ALBANY HIGH SEX

12:05amAdrian

LICK SEXMERDING

12:06amEric

SEXY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF SEX

12:06amAdrian

THE SEXEN SEXPASS

12:07amEric

AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY GOD HAD SEXY TIME

12:07amAdrian

AP COMPARATIVE SEX

12:07amEric

SEX.A.T

12:08amAdrian

MS. SEXLOCK

12:09amEric

SEXBOOK

12:09amAdrian

DELL XPSEX

12:09amEric

SEXY PS3

12:10amAdrian

SEXTAR

12:10amEric

UNITED SEX OF AMERICA

12:10amAdrian

SEXTRALIA

12:10amEric

BRITSEX EMPIRE

12:11amAdrian

SEXARTICA

12:11amEric

CRANK THAT SEXY BOY

12:11amAdrian

SEX IN MY PANTS

12:11amEric

SEXTAURDAY

12:12amAdrian

SEXINTINES DAY

12:13amEric

SEXIACTIC

12:13amAdrian

ASIAN SEX GENERATION

12:14amEric

ARCTIC SEXKEYS

12:14amAdrian

RED HOT SEX PEPPERS

12:14amEric

JACK JOHNSEX

Adrian

JASON SEXRAZ

12:15amEric

50 SEXENT

12:16amAdrian

LUPE SEXASCO

12:16amEric

THE SEXATLES

12:16amAdrian

GEORGE W. SEX

Eric

SEX WE CAN BELIEVE IN

12:17amAdrian

D.A.R.SEX

12:17amEric

SEXMART. MORE SEX, ALWAYS

12:17amAdrian

BARACK SEXBAMA

12:18amEric

HILARY SEXTON

12:19amAdrian

OSAMA SEX LADEN

12:19amEric

WEAPONS OF MASS SEXATION

12:20amAdrian

COMPUTER SEXIENCE

12:20amEric

AP SEX HISTORY

12:20amAdrian

IN-N-SEX

12:20amEric

GRAND THEFT SEX IV

12:21amAdrian

THE CHRONICLES OF SEXNIA

12:21amEric

LORD OF THE SEX

12:22amAdrian

CATCHER IN THE SEX

Eric

SEX 3 HONORS

12:22amAdrian

SEX BARONE

12:22amEric

PARENT TEACHER SEX ASSOCIATION

12:23amAdrian

PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF SEX

12:24amEric

CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL SEX EXIT EXAM

12:24amAdrian

TACO SEX

12:24amEric

SEXZZLERS

12:25amAdrian

99 SEX

12:25amEric

BOBA SEX TEA

12:26amAdrian

SEXY KITTY

12:28amEric

SEXEEBO

12:28amAdrian

SEXLOOP

12:28amEric

ALBANY SEXGAR

12:29amAdrian

WILLY WONKA AND THE SEXOLATE FACTORY

12:29amEric

SEXY KINTE

12:31amAdrian

SEXFOX BROWSER

12:31amEric

SEXOOGLE

12:32amAdrian

SEXICO

12:33amEric

SEXNOPOLY

12:33amAdrian

SEXYMON

12:33amEric

DIGISEX

12:33amAdrian

YUGISEX

12:34amEric

JACKIE SEX ADVENTURES

Adrian

SEXRUTO

12:35amEric

FULL SEX ALCHEMIST

12:36amAdrian

JIM SEXPERT

12:36amEric

AT&SEX

12:36amAdrian

VERIZON SEXERLESS

12:37amEric

SEXPHONE

12:37amAdrian

SEXBAY

12:37amEric

SEXTUBE

12:38amAdrian

SEXMAIL

Eric

SEXTERNET

12:39amAdrian

AFRICAN ASEXICAN

12:39amEric

MUSEXIM

12:40amAdrian

BUDDHIST SEXOSTARY

12:40amEric

SEXISTUTION OF THE UNITED STATES

12:41amAdrian

SEXONOMY

12:41amEric

CALCUSEX

12:43amAdrian

ROP SEXTOGRAPHY

12:44amEric

ADRIAN SEXEE

12:44amAdrian

ERIC SEXANG

12:45amEric

FOR A SEXY TIME, CALL 5261691

12:45amAdrian

WE ARE SEXTANS

12:46amEric

THIS IS MADNESS, NO THIS.... IS......... SEXY

12:48amAdrian

MARTHA SEXWART

12:49amEric

INSIDER SEXING

12:49amAdrian

JOE SEXPACK

12:50amEric

SEX THE PLUMBER

12:50amAdrian

JOHN SEXCAIN

12:50amEric

SEX PALIN

12:51amAdrian

REGINALD SEXSON

ExEXXXX

2009-01-30T00:53:00.001-08:00

I'd like to have my tonsils removed.

fail fail fail

2009-01-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

i have no motivation to write in proper grammar or capitalize anything right now. i have come to the realization that many of my favorite musicians have attended either prestigious or credible higher institutions. i have a friend who is naturally inclined to do well in academics quickly as well who excels musically. i assume that i've been owned at everything

rivers cuomo of weezer- harvard
thom york of radiohead - university of exeter
mgmt - weslyn college
elliott smith - hampshire college
anthony keidis - ucla

on the other hand, jonny greenwood and arctic monkeys don't have any degrees

..

- - -

2009-01-08T22:29:00.001-08:00

I could never explain "why?", it's always been myself, and nothing else
sacrifices that needed to be had
I never seem to be able to take the chance
I'd always lie in my own way, saying "I've been doing so much"
look at my friends, look at my inspirations
were they gutless as me? maybe? hardly? I could never answer
Is it a waste
to think about yourself when everyone tells you
"this is who you are" and "this is who you should be!" directly or indirectly
how do you ignore your mind going to war?
frantically frantic, and desperately desperate
I'll find a way and it won't be yours

everything you wanted to be
do you know you shouldn't be?
we're you ever happy?
you'll never be free
I hope you'll find out who you are
Maybe then you'll stop pretending
you know everyone else

Take 2, Life

2009-01-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

Well, my level of motivation in all fields has slipped, so I'm trying to fix that. I am planning to work hard at many aspects of my life, even those that are seemingly unnecessary at this point, such as high school. By doing so, it'll increase my ability to do hard work, and I can channel this general 'trait' to other aspects of my life. This will inevitably make me feel better about myself.

What have I been doing?

2009-01-02T00:37:00.000-08:00

For once I feel strongly about something, so I doubt there's a limit to how far I can go with this hypothesis/belief.

What I believe: I believe that the piano will become my primary instrument once I begin playing. I've been playing music for a few years, with the guitar as my primary instrument. I now realize that guitar is probably not my primary instrument. I've felt a very, very strong affinity/connection/whatever towards the piano recently, and although my favorite bands and musicians are not piano-based, I still feel just as compelled to excel at the instrument, and to give the piano an equal prominence in my music as the guitar.

REVELATION!!!

All Of A Sudden I Miss Everyone

2008-12-23T23:25:00.000-08:00

I've lost alot of friends this year. The year where everybody is supposed to celebrate together. It's fallen into oblivion, and I may have done it to myself.

1. I told my friend that I would be joining a band with my other friends. His interpretation was that I betrayed him because I wasn't going to play music with him as a primary band. I told him I would still play music with him, but apparently this was not enough. Of course, he was the one who was pissed off at the time, and I just allowed him free space until he decided to talk to me again. He didn't.

2. This guy was my best friend. Through the 4-6 years we've gone through together, more thoughts, emotions and words have been exchanged than with any other person (and maybe even every other person combined). It may have been an overdue thing, but I changed, and he didn't. It seemed as if I was making the effort to hold the friendship together, and he repeatedly tore at the thin thread that was holding us together, that I constantly had to re-thread. I wasn't able to deal with it anymore. Extremely overdue? Possibly. Weakness? Maybe. Let's see how you would've dealt with a similar situation first.

3. This friend showed no sympathy around times of extreme distress. It was not his fault, and he was unable to understand through his seemingly unaffected life and undermining of others. Upon an instance of being bitched out, I blocked him on instant messenger, unblocked him occasionally, and allowed him to contact me if he wanted to. Like previous friend #1, he didn't.

4. This friend disappeared behind his own endeavors of greatness. Although it may have been just that, I feel as if I made it very clear to him that I had almost nobody left. Well, no efforts have been made to strengthen our friendship, and I feel as if I had attempted to in the past. This seeming unwillingness to do so felt unfair to me. I did not want to be the only one making an effort in the friendship. He may have potentially thought that it couldn't be so bad, seeing as if he has very few close to him as well as fares pretty well. Of course, there is a special individual he has which I do not have that is the difference between our worlds in terms of social interactions. This friendship has become very sparse.

I had six very important friends in my life. And now, three of them are no longer my friends, one of them has become very disconnected, and another is in New York.

Well, Well

2008-11-30T23:52:00.000-08:00

Well, Stuart is leaving tomorrow. Stuart is leaving, and everything is going to go back to how it was Back to those mundane months, uninspired. It's not as if one person can be attributed to how things are from now on. But still. Everything is going to be the same. Repitition as a literary device is not even necessary to explain the scope of these things. It's not so insane, considering the fact that Stuart already left once before. Everyone leaves, but it just seems like these signifigant people leave sooner than I can believe? I don't even know anymore. I'm not going to break up over it, but I am probably going to be damn confused. Really damn confused...

Flying

2008-11-23T00:28:00.001-08:00

Around 6 PM, I usually sit down and go on the computer. Whether I am being productive or unproductive, I always end up descending into a deep sorrow as the night goes on. Why does it feel as if my thoughts descend into such negativity? I think they are realizations. When I have time to relax and reflect upon my situation, day time activities are not there for me to burrow in. There isn't external stimulus that allows me to forget about my problems. Everything that I experience at night is usually from within myself.

Guessworks, Clockworks

2008-11-19T23:22:00.000-08:00

verse (finger picking)
bridge (finger picking)
chorus (finger picking)
bridge w/ vox (finger picking)
piano interlude (piano composed by travis + sparse guitar)
verse (chords + piano)
bridge 2 (kinda diff strum, piano chording)
piano outro

====

You told me I would never be
anything I wanted to be
indirectly, you ruined my intuitions
I never understood .
what you thought you knew would always be misled
you'd thought i'd be something you'd withstand
You view me as the sickness you could never wash away
I hope I stay this way
.
(mini-bridge) (waves of instruments (maybe guitar distortion waves?))
.
(chorus)
I am bound to say now,
we were never guesswork.
I am bound to know now,
you would never tell me why.
signs of decimals cry
"late teen years have wasted our lives"
they say we waste our time
they say we don't know why
.
cmaj7, g, e, am (w/ piano)\
(mini-bridge) w/ oh's and ah's
piano interlude
.
(jamming on chords) + piano
Questions while growing up in youth
Were lost in your brotherhood's bluff
unaware, you would mean no harm
only to deal the utmost
it's those actions you show (woah)
it's those actions you show (woah)
it's those actions you show (woah)

it's those actions you show (woah)

(bridge maybe)

outro?

All Night

2008-11-14T00:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I will not sleep. I will write on my contemplations.

12:26pm

I am currently severely irritated at various things. First of all, I don't understand how I could be so utterly disrespected. Having read a comment (on a friends blog) that was meant as a joke, I realized that it wasn't only a joke because of the affirmation in the argument we had. I argued on life experience vs. book knowledge and study-based knowledge. The social sciences and philosophies are infinitely applicable to life whereas the sciences and maths are beneficial toward the advancement of humanity. Both coexist, I realize, and the prior was completely disrespected on my behalf. I remember it being belittled. How can one of the most important factors of LIVING be belittled and disrespected? It really pissed me off. I remember it now, because of the condescending, joking manner in which the individual spoke to me with a few days ago. Maybe it's her normal tone? I hate it.

2:33

I am currently watching Superbad. It feels good to laugh.

3:23

Lost ability to contemplate. Tiredness = alot...

4:23

Will lie on bed...

Conclusion:

Fuck, I fell asleep. Experiment Incomplete.

The Usual

2008-11-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

Although it seems as though I know what I want to do in the future, my clear view can be shattered by so many unknown variables. Still, I follow through and live through life, watching as everybody claw through their college applications , while I sit here telling myself, "I should at least be practicing my music". I don't want my music to become an excuse for my laziness. I want to work as hard or harder for my music as people do for those things that they dislike so greatly, because they are able to see what they will achieve in the future. I see what I can achieve in the future as well. Still, I have not done anything, and I feel terrible for it. I am the invisible force that is holding myself back from obtaining my potential. There is nothing I need to say! All I have to do is, well, continue my practice regime and emotionally stimulate myself.

It seems easy, but unlike school work, or college applications, the neutrality of my moods and life and interactions are destroying my inspiration. The bleakness is not something that inspires me to write. Instead, it inspires me to sit here, writing. Writing and writing, but not songs. Just these words that don't mean anything. All of these words that very few people will read.

I'd like to fantasize of what I cannot have, but as I have learned, this is not the solution. Instead, I need to go out and obtain what I fantasize about. I'd just like to sit inside of a room or store or cafe with somebody special, and play my guitar or just talk. It does not necessarily need to be deep, or profound at all. I just want that warmth of somebody being there for you. The mutual feelings that occur and create the deepest connection without words. The contrast of rain from the outside world to the warmth of your inner world is all I ask for, and I understand that it is too much to ask for. And who is this person that I am going to ask? Myself. I'm going to ask myself to go out there, and seek out this scenario, instead of waiting; thinking that something will provide this for me. I don't have strong beliefs about philosophical or worldly concepts, but I do believe that I have more power (than I give myself credit for) to change things... as I've experienced it before.

Stuff

2008-11-05T09:48:00.001-08:00

Unlike my contemporaries, I don't hate everyone. But I still wonder why people say such stupid things and get so excited about nothing. I'm referring to my advisory class. Some of this emptiness reminds me of that one novel (which I can't remember the name of). Moral emptiness much? Kind of. Still, I'm glad people can be happy in general.

We also have a new president elect. I'm excited -

Questions, Questions, Questions

2008-10-30T23:58:00.001-07:00

Can you miss someone you've never met?

Perspective? Perception?

2008-10-30T00:50:00.001-07:00

The glass is neither half empty or half full. It is not a matter of perception, because it is both. If a glass is filled to the middle, it is both half empty and half full. What else do I have to explain here? When referencing a perspective a person has on life (optimism v. pessimism) they're referring to a stupid belief or mindset. Yes, it is blatantly stupid for the following reasons: Optimists have one perspective, the positive one, whereas pessimists contain the negative ones. However, all situations have more than one side, so why can't we utilize both to initiate an action that would end up becoming the best possible solution? A critique might be that it leads to complete indecisiveness, but I disagree. Nothing is perfectly balanced in the middle, just like the glass of water. It is either a little bit more full or a little bit less full, and by weighing the factors which are most prominent, independent of these stupid perspectives, the most productive solution can be created.

Excellence

2008-10-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

I wish cool people would appear more often. I mean, in Pokemon, pretty cool Pokemon appear all the time and you can just catch them and have them become your best friend. But with people, you can't even reason with them. They're not interested in talking to you. Even though they may be, looks of ill-will are focused towards you. Regardless, I am still going to live by this thought. I'm going to try and capture the hearts of some potential friends. Fuck Pokemon for getting my hopes up. Well, I can't say it's been completely bad. I've become closer with a friend and have made a new friend. Course, both of them are spectacular people too! Thanks for being here for me. I hope we can all succeed together.

Fuming? Or Venting?

2008-10-25T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've dealt through my recently rough times with small pleasantries and a huge dreams, waiting for a product to come about. Although I have this in front of me, my avoidance of social interactions leaves me with a foreign feeling I have not had for a while. Loneliness. So, how do I alleviate this? By, well, that's secret ;)

I believe that people deal with situations in 3 possible ways. The first way is by determining an action on the shallowest level (i.e Bob punched me, and it hurt, so I'm going to punch him back). The second way is by determining the action off of thought and processing of the situation, and the context that it is placed in (i.e Bob punched me, and although it hurt, I did wrong him in the following ways, etc.). This method is also accompanied by psychology, taking in verifiable and generally agreed upon psychological theories. The third way, however, is complete bullshit which tons of people use. They go beyond both the first and second level, and use their philosophical, religious, or guesswork psychology to deal with social situations (i.e Bob punched me, but it was inevitable because our lives were laid out for us). Regardless of the belief (determinism, fatalism, nihilism) they are all founded on guesses and by putting your absolute trust in one of them is seemingly like putting all your trust in the hands of a stranger. Would you really act or justify beliefs solely because of nurtured faith? People do. People usually do when they have no justifications on the 1st and 2nd level, and thus go to the third level to justify themselves. So in other words, whenever it is convenient for them. In a sense, people always act nihilist and humanist until they are forced to bring upon their other set of beliefs upon convenience.

Cause =

2008-10-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

Every possible thing any person could possibly say can be denied or debated against with an infinite number of abstract points. The stupidest part about those arguments is the fact that we all live in this world together, with modes of speech and behavior, to interact on the same level. If we use complete abstractions to argue against people and points they make, it has no application in this world. If I were to say that "the world is unbalanced emotionally, as proven in the crisis in Africa", someone could potentially say "no, the good is taken for granted and even kids in Darfur have equal happiness because their brief moments of happiness, in their eyes, are equal to events that we take for granted in our everyday lives (such as acquiring one meal in days)". I think that this is completely idealistic and completely stupid and untrue for multiple reasons. First of all, they cannot gauge how others feel. Secondly, the scale used to measure this is completely objective, making it so everything so BECOMES balanced with no mathematical evidence or even BASIS in experience. If such were true, nothing would need to be done. In context of what to do, and ideals, such concepts are useless and detrimental. There are dozens more that share the same belief sets. Alot of religious beliefs also stunt progress in the context in which we are living. It's truly unbelievable. Fucking ridiculous.

Hm

2008-10-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

High emotional content pertaining to myself is not apparent in my life at all. However, anguishes of my friends have been voiced. I'm capable of heavy empathy and I can feel it. I'd like to help, but all I can do it sit here like Sigmund Freud, doing nothing but shit. It doesn't matter that much though. I believe in the hearts of my (even fewer) few friends. Well, I guess I do have a story to tell everybody. Here it goes, but be warned: It's more like a vent than anything else. (Warning: I do not mean to sound like an intellectual snob, but at the same time I'm not going through the trouble of thoroughly editing this. No pretentiousness should be present. Warn me if you smell it.)

I've disconnected myself from two of my best friends. Hm. I just don't feel good at all when I spend time with one of them, and I just haven't gotten motivation to spend time with the other. However, it is wholly not my fault. I've always been the 'guy who calls'. What if I don't want to call? They haven't called me to hang out either. It's not so one-sided. In fact, they probably hate me now. Why do you want to read about my personal life? Who knows. But this is not really for anybody except for myself. This is my vent. I realized...

I enjoy spending time with myself. Although I've lost motivation and inspiration due to doing nothing all day, I feel as though its about time for me to enjoy myself. Not be some emotional shit pile like I usually am. I've also always been high strung, and have found a surprising correlation: Me not hanging out with these friends = me not high strung. Maybe it is correlated, maybe it isn't. But I've felt much more insecure being associated with others all the time. Maybe it is fucked up for me to be neglecting my duties as a friend. Maybe its not. Honestly, I don't care. I don't feel like my friendships are currently balanced at the time and I've given a certain friend hundreds of chances and have explained how I felt about this an infinite number of times. I talk to my companions when I have problems with something, and they've bound to understand by now. Because they still haven't over several years, I can't feel secure around them anymore. So I am done.

The few friends I still have are unbelievable in every sense. They give me hope for humanity, expressing the potential someone can have. And its still growing. But at the same time, it makes me lose all hope in a different sense, considering the fact that I've only met such a few number of people this awesome). They are here for me, and I am here for them. They also have few friends, and that is why we are capable of being so tight-knit. It's strange. Somehow I've dealt with my old best friends even when they reeked their elitism into my face. These however, are the humblest I've ever seen and never make me feel lesser. They can understand and when they don't they will argue (with some basis). I can't stress it enough. I am heavily, heavily grateful.

I've become old in mentality. I don't care about maturity or immaturity, and I don't think its 'cool' to be mature or uncool to be 'immature'. All I care about is what doesn't hurt others, and it just seems like old people seem to care more. I think that people should do what they want to do as long as it doesn't detriment other existences. Hopefully they don't hurt themselves either, but I believe that it is better for someone to hurt themselves than others, because hurting yourself is completely up to you, whereas hurting others leaves them with some unknown external variable that they cannot control that will end up becoming their suffering. Some people are such trashes and have no consideration.

I believe that having extremely firm philosophical beliefs is ridiculous. I mean, by believing like fervently in any you are living to factors that are completely objective and possibly completely untrue. My belief is, in a sense, no belief at all. The belief that is completely open. Stuart said I am philosophically and religiously agnostic. How could I be any other way?

Hm, other things... my band is beginning to cohere together.
My drummer is awesome. We have extreme focusing abilities and I thoroughly enjoy working with him. We motivate each other to improve, and develop our own styles. We are working to become tighter and tighter, sound-wise and friend-wise. This may be an awfully jinx-worthy thing to say, but I think we sound pretty special. Somewhat unique. Gasp. I hope to be able to make it into the real music world with my band, Travis' band, and Stuart's future band together.

Sound

2008-10-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

"Hopefully, since I wrote all the songs and have designed the album with simple, yet lush psychedelic-ness in mind, it will sound like The Mattresses. I think it will."

-Travis

It made me think of my own music. What am I? What would I sound like? I used to think that my (complete) sound would be reminiscent of some sort of lush soundscaped post rock band with vocalized parts of awesomeness full of reverby goodness and melody, combined with acoustic guitar, but its different now. Now, I think that my sound could be characterized by sonic harshness in combination with ambience and melodic intervals filled with piano and distorted synth. Unlike Travis, what I plan is never what I get. So I just make the most out of what I do get. And put noise on top of it.

This is BAD

2008-10-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

Turns out I have some form of phase-OCD (purely-obsessional OCD) or OCD-esque qualities. It is triggered by my anxiety caused by traveling. Great. It has never been a permanent situation and I somehow was able to create CBT, or Cognitive Behavorial Treatment, a very empirical and legitimate form of therapy. Amazing! It is said that when the subject is able to become indifferent towards these psychological questions, the treatment is successful. Seems like I've done it previous times but now I must face the same battle. The mind is tricky and indifference is hard to obtain when chemicals are battling against your will.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purely_Obsessional_OCD

Anxiety

2008-09-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have severe anxiety whenever I travel somewhere I'm not prepared for. I guess I'm a pansy in that sense. Before my trip over this weekend, I didn't recognize it as me just being a pansy, and constantly attempted to barrage myself with paranoid thoughts of what I could be doing wrong or how messed up I am, with no apparent basis except for my eruptions of random, sick imageries. These "messed-up" things are essentially the plagues of anyone's (including my own) moral standards set by society and themselves, which any person would be afraid of. During these times, I am also afraid of being gay, but I don't think this has to do with the fear of being 'gay' in itself, but rather because of my inability to understand what I am (I will explain later). I initially believed that I may have been utterly repressed and had extremely sick desires, but at the same time, I feel disgusted to the point of clamminess and nauseousness. I realized that I didn't need to deny nor repress any further, because no repressing had be done in the first place.

I will now explain why. When I am severely anxious, I consciously and subconsciously create possibilities as to why I could be feeling this way, and create imagery in my mind (a mixture of subconscious and conscious projection) to "justify" my anxiety, when it is merely my chemical response towards my inability to adapt to different environments over elongated periods of time (after a certain while, say 3 days or so it gets better). I do this because I know that I have traits of rationality and a 'need' for understanding. As I stated earlier, I didn't realize that this was merely my 'homesickness'. By doing so, I made myself feel more fear and more anxiety, which in response made me question whether or not I was repressing them (if they were desires) or just sickened by them (as consciously/subconsciously created imagery). However, by being rational I wasn't one to deny these sick potentially repressed desires immediately. I had some respect towards psychoanalysis and other psychological approaches and attempted to understand my situation instead of ignoring it and letting it pass (as it usually does). Conclusively I realized that 1. they were not my repressed desires and 2. I was sickened. I will explain how I recognized that I was not repressed in the following paragraph.

As I said earlier, my main fear during these times of anxiety was that I was repressed, and at heart and in my nature, I was truly the type of person who would harm everyone around me in every criminal way imaginable. My experience is similar to this: Immediately after I return home or spend a decent amount of time away from home, it goes away and these disturbances cease to exist in entirety. In my normal non-anxious, non-hysteric life I always stress self-improvement towards myself and everyday living because I want the best for my friends, family and myself and would do everything possible to prevent myself from ever hurting them. (No, I do not change due to the fact that I realize these imageries are sick, because I tend to forget them entirely when operating in my everyday life. They are also not a product of my subconscious reminding me and prompting me want to self improve either, because I have very emotionally moving, conscious experiences that have motivated me to change). I've come to realize that I am not repressed, because these are my true feelings developed throughout my life. In everyday life, I never think about my paranoia's, and have never exhibited any behavior or random emotions (anger, depression, sadness) that expresses my would-be repressed feelings (as far as my friends and I are concerned). I don't hide anything from my friends, besides for my anxiety, which I have now explained to everyone. This is my conclusion, but I still feel horrible.

I can't seem to consciously remove my instantaneous eruption of anxiety and paranoia. I don't deserve this.

What the hell?

2008-09-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know why nobody is blogging, so I'll do one. Maybe it'll urge everyone else to start up again. Or maybe it's cause we ALL don't have anything to say. I noticed that every blogger just stopped writing once school began and Stuart left. I guess that's somewhat understandable, but it would seem more reasonable for there to be more blogs once these things happened. Maybe we're all desolate and lonely, and there's nothing to say that wouldn't be completely ridiculous sounding. I guess that's all I have to say for today.

Ultimate

2008-09-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

I CANT SING
ITS GAME OVER

WOOT

2008-09-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

For some reason my void is no longer bothering me and I am having the best time of my life. I'm allowed infinite amounts of music playing with no school interference, achieved understanding of my future plans, and perfect weather to just enjoy while playing my music, laying on my bed doing nothing, reading, or listening to music. Yes. YES

My Reason

2008-09-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

My friend wants me to contribute in the band in terms of songwriting. I don't want to because I believe that my sound couldn't possibly combine with Parker's style, and even with a collaborative effort, my sound would change. That is not what I'm currently looking for. He told me that because we're in high school, it's very unlikely that anything we make now is going to be produced. I disagree because I don't think that the gap between the age of 16/17-19 is that great. Let me explain. At the age of 19, great bands and musicians of all styles entered the music world with well defined, professional music. I'm just creating a definition of my personal sound that I can keep as I continue improving. Another reason he wants me to contribute is so we could all get band experience. I believe that we can still do that with our individual instrument playing roles.

It's True

2008-08-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

Although I play music mainly for myself, I'd enjoy playing it for other people who would appreciate it. This is the difficult part. I can't imagine my peers enjoying my music. Who the hell would I release my music to? I can't imagine two of my close friends enjoying my music. They probably wouldn't. Although they would most likely dislike my songs in terms of style rather than song, I'd still be unhappy. There would be little point to show them.

Amelie / Waking Life

2008-08-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

"Times are hard for dreamers."

Yes they fucking are, does this shit ever happen? Is god still telling me to wait? I'm underage to feel this kind of torment. I've weathered and aged beyond my years. Maturity should come with the right age.

It's not

2008-08-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've seen people who claim that they have depression even when they have almost everything: Looks, family, friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, social smarts, school smarts, money etc. Even then, they emphasize on the minute details of what is causing their 'suffering'. Emo tendencies, you may say. Others say their depression is actually clinical. Does that mean that mine is too? I often times experience many of the symptoms that many clinically depressed persons should have (and often as well). I would know, cause I have feverishly read about it. Seems like I deal with these shit feelings better than those other people I'm thinking of without medication.

My depression is real and absolute. I'm not sure what magnitude of ownage I would've needed to experience to call it a crisis, so I'm not going to use any terms that could potentially seem exaggerated. In fact, even I should stop bitching and handle my own shit by myself and save other people the trouble. "But that's what friends are for". Maybe? It's pointless. Making exaggerations and pouring out exaggerated feelings is stupid. They're not even real most of the times. They're exaggerated. We just can't handle it and think it holds more signifigance than it actually does. I think some people need to shut up and just deal with their miniscule problems. Expanding on tiny details of 'misery' isn't going to make anyone feel better.

Woo, the weather is here to reflect my feelings! There's the glimmering sun in the distance, and fog everywhere else. I can't reach the light man! Cause I'm emotional! I can only dwell in this fog of dead things!

I have fucked up

2008-08-29T15:38:00.001-07:00

There's no reason any normal person wouldn't have friends.

What I have, IS

2008-08-28T16:06:00.001-07:00

INSEXCURITAYZXCORE

Have I found it?

2008-08-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

The dream record label that would accompany my sounds perfectly?
They host the following bands:

Animal Collective
Gregory And The Hawk
Hauschka
Múm
No Age
Set Fire To Flames
Sigur Rós

Art oriented sounds with a post rock edge on the most part.
Godly.

Guitar

2008-08-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

I opened the box containing my new acoustic guitar. My Martin Rosewood Custom D. The D fucking 15! I could smell the fragrant rosewood filling me with joy as I opened the shiny black case. Fucking joy I tell you! I picked and strummed a few chords and noticed a slightly metallic sound. No problem, it was only the martin-grade strings that I could easily change. I then caressed the beautiful satin-finished body of my guitar and looked down upon my glorious tool of buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
buttsecks.
A FUCKING CRACK? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCK FUCK MCFUCKINSTEINICUS FUCK WHAT THE HELL NO MORE HUMANITY LEFTOVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BUTTFUCK SEX NOOOO

= ?

2008-08-16T01:56:00.000-07:00

+ is used for any semi-unrelated thoughts.

I've become some strange, rational being of doom. After a phase of encouraging myself to become the best I could, I removed many of my own flaws. Of course, I am human and will never be perfect, and don't plan on doing so-

+Perfection means a complete unbalance in emotion. Nobody would remain human if they ever achieved the state of "Perfection". They would only be able to express positive and 'beneficial' emotions!

but regardless, by removing many of my flaws I may have also removed many emotions from myself (as of now). By doing so, I think I've become cold. I gain the ability to help my friends by not getting carried away with their personal problems and listening without interfering. In other words, being able to carry a burden without being completely personally involved. I'm not a pro at it yet, but I'm definetely better than most people.

+I don't plan on becoming a psychiatrist, at all.

Regardless of this ability, it's not worth it at all. Living in a mundane world of constant observation and decision making based upon rationality is both boring and restricting. Without feeling strongly, I will never be able to reach out past the surface to empathize. I am human. I will not stay devoid of emotion forever, but I have been for an unreasonably long time. How did I become this way? I'm sure that someone can improve themselves without removing their emotion. Or could they? I don't feel as if I've done anything negative in the process to deserve this.

+I cannot empathize. I CANNOT EMPATHIZE. I've gotten "you don't understand" from two of my friends consecutively. How can I live in a separate emotional universe than my friends like this? How?! God...

I feel remote sadness when thinking about the fact that I can't empathize, but overall, I'm just tired of feeling so little. I'm bored. Boredom is my strongest emotion. How sad is that?

Weight

2008-08-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

I'm emotionally neutral. I feel as if I'll stay that way forever sometimes. While my friends are feeling intense euphoria, severe depression, love or any other sort of intense emotion, my own are turning stale. I don't remember what it is like to feel strongly anymore. I'm a little sad, but I feel as if I'm on a very long cycle of neutrality that will end with an extremely sharp, negative spiral of emotional doom. I can feel something bad crawling towards me. Why must my welcome to the emotional world be so dreadful?

Wants and Needs

2008-08-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

Wants: A Japanese girlfriend; hopefully cultured and intelligent... hotness required

Needs: Fender Pro Reverb, Martin (??? Model) Acoustic Guitar, Band

Next Year

2008-08-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am afraid of next year. I have to retake the SAT's and take the SATII, maybe take the ACT, do well in Spanish 3 (I'm horrible at language) and apply to colleges. Not only do I have to deal with all this bullshit I escaped from last year, I'm going to have a shortage of friends. Stuart is leaving, and that is essentially -1 out of 4 genuine friends I currently have. Another is turning really, really lame and unreasonably depressing. I'm probably going to be lonely and sad. All my philosophy can't help me now. What the hell do I do now?

Parents

2008-08-07T01:45:00.000-07:00

Parent's will discourage you from attempting to become a rockstar. Obviously, it's because it is risky and extremely difficult. However, if you end up succeeding, they'll forgive you and congratulate you on your success. This pisses me off for multiple reasons. First of all, if the individual never attempted to pursue his dream, the end product (success) never would've occured, so all the discouragement was bitchin', unhelpful worry. Secondly, the dude went out of their damn way for their dream, which is totally encourageable. Of course all endings aren't succesful.

Let's say they fucked up. Someone would regret not trying more than trying and failing. To pursue a dream with this mindset is ultimately respectable, not refutable. It's ridiculous how condescending some people could be about it.

People

2008-08-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

I love my friends.

Constructions

2008-08-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

While writing new material for my future EP, I realized something drastic- my vocals suck. Goddammit. This is too troublesome.

Deconstructions

2008-08-04T02:36:00.000-07:00

People are capable of realizing that change is necessary for the future in every single way. They believe that by advocating public change through democracy is the answer, and in many ways, it definetely is. Still, the logic behind this is extremely short sighted in the sense that once one era or period of rule advocating these ideals are over, another will arise, constantly changing. The reason contributing to the inevitable, constant change is due to the change of ideas. Only a specific, specialized group is capable of making these ideals. Once their set of ideals gain momentum, they can begin leading the masses (flock of sheep). Obviously the way to bring about a lasting, positive change does not lie within constantly swimming through beliefs and systems used before. What would you do then?

I would advocate change on an individual level. Although it is apparent that not everyone can use dense logical thought, it could only be beneficial to draw out the maximum number of people who are capable of doing so (those who have become exposed to their own capacity for thought). By making decisions through logic and the mindset to benefit others, irrational nonsensical decisions would potentially cease to exist.

Regardless, I could never dismiss the fact that there are crazy and evil people, that will always attempt infiltrate and destroy good systems for their maniacal beliefs and personal enrichment. The only solution to ridding the world of as many of these people as possible is not by killing them, but by advocating and teaching everyone in the future generations. To teach children how to become logical and free thinking is to theoretically remove prejudice, irrational hatred and madness. Prejudice and madness have no logical basis, and thus to become logical is to become 'good' by modern day ethics. Although flawed, it would be better than the current evils we live with today.

By advocating each individuals ability to rationally reach out into their own consciousness would, without a doubt, lead to some controversy due to the various logics. Because of this, however, the 'best' decision could be made by the greatest number of individualized and 'freed' individuals. By using logic to compromise and modify would allow individuals of different beliefs and systems to compromise and cooperate. Hopefully, the majority of people aren't actually just sheep.

Maybe

2008-08-02T21:02:00.001-07:00

The only reason we choose to continue living is because we await change.

Deductive Reasoning

2008-08-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

I've attempted to come to a conclusion as to why my dad does not respect me at all. It's probably because I've grown to encompass both an entirely different belief system and set of traits than of his. Without conscious awareness, he can't accept the fact that I've grown up to be so unlike him, and is irrationally angered by this. I assume he is, in fact, most likely irrationally angered because he had not set out to self-improve himself. He's not even aware of the fact that these modifications are necessary because of his self-righteousness and concept that his age and experience outdoes mine. Again, this is a ridiculous thought. If such years contributed to overall knowledge as a human, the negative traits that my mother constantly reminds him of would be near gone. I've come to think that all those years were empty years, devoid of contemplations and meaning. He has no heartfelt motivation to strive towards becoming a better person. In other words, he has never taken in account or developed my theory and guideline (Better?) to becoming a better person in all his years for the sake of humanity or even for his children. I can puke. The people who surround me the most often are my parents, and they do not even comprehend the fact that I have contemplations due to their logic that 'because we do not contemplate, a younger person could not possibly be capable of expressing even minor intellect in this aspect'.

Another point of frustration is the fact that every single point I attempt to make is misinterpreted by my father. By misinterpreting, I constantly need to reiterate myself, bringing my concepts and ideas back to square one. Eventually, a cycle is made and progress into understanding becomes inevitably impossible due to the mere fact that his irrational anger and emotion overrides any form of logic or rhetoric he was once capable of producing.

In a sense, I have to thank my dad for forcing me to hate so many aspects of his character. Because of everything I've grown to hate, I've grown to be everything he was not. As often as possible, I now judge rationally without the use of emotion, whereas he does the opposite. Because of him, I've grown to make myself a better person, day by day. I give equal ground to all things, and will only judge with adequate knowledge. I will never underestimate age, or discriminate due to statistics. I won't even yell at my dog, ever. Mom, save dad.

Better?

2008-07-31T00:02:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I met someone who helped me remember who I was. With that, she also helped me realize why there are just so many shitty people on this planet.

Derived from my logic, I believe that because most people are perfectly fine with the way they are, socially, academically or physically, they don't feel an obligation to improve their traits or characteristics. You may be saying, "no no no, that's completely untrue. Millions of dedicated individuals attempt to strive academically, physically, socially and art-wise everyday. How could you say even attempt to belittle the efforts of others?". Yes, that is true, but it is besides my point. The point I am trying to make is that their characteristics are consistently undefined due to the fact that they are content with their focus on the art/sport/class etc. Still, you may be asking "why would you ask of someone to change their personality?". My explanation is in the following paragraph.

In Western society, people like to think that 'nobody's perfect'. Although this is completely true, it has also been interpreted wrongly. The individuals who have done so (interpreted wrongly) seem to think that they have no reason to improve as a person; because there are always people who will love them for the traits they have, their personality should not need to undergo change to conform to societal standards, or anyone else for that matter. Once again, this leads them into further disillusionment. The sake of change isn't for society, but for ones self. To harm or bother others with their negative traits contributes to the negativity of the atmosphere, and from a monist viewpoint, it doesn't make a significant difference in the grand scheme of things. Even with this concept, the insignificant negativity will eventually combine, becoming the grand, significant negativity that is the product of our world today. Although a person should not be required to modify themselves because of societal standards, they should feel the obligation to not hurt others. The concept of rights is irrelevant. The right to be happy may not exist, but the concept of applying fairness when it can be applied instantly denounces the act of simply not caring and providing unwanted negativity to everyone surrounding him/her. Directly or indirectly, it leads to nothing good.

By being conscious of your own negative traits will lead to potential change. I'm not here to realize your flaws for you, but rather to help address the fact that everyone has them. To commit to change is up to you, and the understanding of ones flaws is the first step to stop acting with those negative behaviors.

I'm not trying to tell you (whoever you are) what to do. I'm attempting to explain and provide guidelines as to why it is important to stop being bad to other people, in a direct or indirect way. Sweet deal, right?

Well...

2008-07-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter what I say now. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel like expressing these thoughts in the form of a song right now, because I'm thoroughly discontent with my songwriting abilities. I'm getting better, but for now, I need a serious break. I'm going to be frank, and it's going to be discomforting. I'm a teenager, and I'm aware of the fact that in a few weeks, I'll look back at this post and pity myself for being such an idiot; grammatically and emotionally. Well, I might as well get started.

I've gotten accustomed to what I had this summer, and thorougly enjoyed it. However, while attempting to improve musically, I attempted to 'shift' my musical style, and by doing so, I've encountered many obstacles. It made me doubt my capacity and creative output. Through this I quickly spiraled into discontent. Not depression, but a regular dose of sadness. Seems like these things just follow each other. Later, I went to Japantown (which is great by the way) and, of course, I saw alot of girls. (p.s I realized that when a girl looks at you for a while and looks away real fast it can mean two things: either she is attracted to you and is flushing, or she is embarassed that she looked at you because she found you unattractive). Many of which I should've talked to, but didn't. Obviously, I'm an idiot. It only made me feel lonely. Whenever I see a girl that I want to talk to, I always shift into their 1st person perpective and immediately think that I would be rejected due to the very fact that I was essentially some creeper with an unknown goal in mind. I always think, "what am I going to say, anyways?". To tell you the truth, I don't have anything to say. "Hey" or "I like what you're wearing"... all these phrases make me feel like an idiot, and I don't know how people ever get away with it. Anyways, it's not like that. It's not how I feel at all.

I'm just lonely, and I don't know what I want to do with myself. I want to share my feelings with someone who goes beyond a friend in terms of the type of 'intimacy' between a relationship relationship and a friendship relationship. I just want be able to have everything I have with my friends: intelligent conversations, idiotic conversations, hilarious conversations and great times. A type of alleviation and content different from all the others. I want to share and provide and recieve what I am capable of giving.

Girls can't see guys in such a positive light, and they seem incapable of knowing what a nice guy is. I don't blame them at all. Why would I be any different from the majority, anyways? To be able to go up to them ( the girl ) shows them that I have some level of confidence, but what is my purpose? It couldn't be good, could it? Of course not", they would think. I can't seem to get across this negative thinking, and I know that in these scenarios, most people aren't as negative as I would be and at least 40% of the time give me a chance. So why don't I act? Cause I'm a fucking idiot. Does it seem like I would prefer to have a real relationship, or continue my sad, whiny bitching? Of course I'd rather have a relationship.

I don't want to be a generic sensitive guy, cause I'm not. I'm realistic.

Good?

2008-07-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

Most people think that the definition of 'good' music is based solely on opinion. They call what they like 'good, and what they dislike 'bad' without further thought. The way 'good' and 'bad' are used then inevitably lead most people to believe in this opinionated system. I won't blatantly say that this logic is purely and utterly incorrect, but I'm going to disprove the best I can.

Music is defined by various qualities- if the music has even one of the following, they have some merit. Obviously, some traits outweigh others. Traits that are misused in the context of 'good' and 'bad' are also described here:

True Traits:

Diversity- The Diversity in music covers the range of human emotion, rhythm, and technicalities.
Technical- The Technical shows pure prowess in the art of playing the instrument.
Lyrical- The Lyrical displays the power to convey through word; related to the Emotional.
Emotional- The Emotional allows for the music to be accessible and powerful.
Structural- The Structural shows the musician(s) prowess in creating the song.
Stylistic- The Stylistic is the musician/band's capability to create a new, unique 'sound'.
Melodic- The Melodic is the sensibility the musician developed much like the lyrical and tech.

False Traits:

Aural Appeasement- Aural Appeasement determines whether or not you 'like' the sound, and does not contribute to the merit of the song or band.
Messiness- The sloppiness of the music played can be a genuine trait for disliking music, but often times it is done purposefully for Emotion or Style.

I think music can be defined as good or bad.

Cohesion / No Cohesion

2008-07-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

I used to listen to Owls and various other Kinsella projects (joan of arc, Make Believe) with a smirk on my face. What is the prolific and ADD-ridden Tim Kinsella trying to do with his music? He dances with extreme awkwardness on stage, yells out seemingly random phrases throughout songs, and 'sings' strangely, accompanied with screams and fast, random syllabic placements- all within some signature style he managed to create. He also shifts from band to band at a dizzying rate. I was aware of the fact that this... 'style' was intentional. Still, I wondered if they (The Kinsellas) were getting away with more than they deserved- in terms of lyricism, instrumentation, and awkward-as-fuck vocals.

I concluded that in some cases, the Kinsellas (and mainly Tim) do deserve the credit. In Owls, their signature rhythms and strange flow accompanied with Tim Kinsella's semi-random/philosophical lyrics constantly pull you in different directions (credit: Stuart S.), due to their spontaneous and seemingly improvised song structures. In terms of instrumentation, the textured spider-godhand also known as Victor Villareal's guitar playing is superb and actually unique, which is a breath of fresh air. In other cases, however, Tim reuses various lines from previous songs, using the exact same 'melody' and phrasing, generating a different version of the same song over and over again. This is how the genius gets away with too much.

Alot of music doesn't require an acquired taste. The Kinsella stuff does. Some of it is genuinely bad, but the good is full of merit. Like a strange cheese, it takes courage and tolerance to get into it.

Oh...

2008-07-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

I fucking suck at writing songs.

Sand?

2008-07-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

You seem to be honest, but I can't trust
a word you say
I can't seem to let it go.
To a world you've made
Inside my sandy mind
I'll try and go with you
but I know
we'll never make it out
and still,
I'll ignore my doubts

And even though, I'll fall into the sand
The mirage satisfies my eye
The delusion, is all I need.
It's just my heart I want to feed
as my body dies away

Shit

2008-07-24T23:39:00.001-07:00

How do I vent out this much frustration without killing someone? I don't know...

Fucking Mumbling

2008-07-23T11:40:00.001-07:00

I was at my computer. My friend told me that I could download an application on the computer that would allow me to go back in time and stop all time from happening at that particular time. When the application finished downloading, I saw odd number intervals like '7' and '13'. I wondered why there wasn't 9, or 11. These were the dates I could go back in time with. I had tons of mad sex with this one porn star, except in the end, I couldn't finish because she told me something I can't remember. Somehow, I went back into normal time cause I was afraid. I went to some school I never knew about, and the principal was evacuating the school to this upstairs room. There were moldy-like corpses in the theater area. For some reason, I realized that I killed them by stopping time. However, I met up with Ethan and Parker and they told me that they were leaving to a different area. It was some upstairs room with tons of people. People were mumbling about something called the 'Trial of Tears'.
"What happened?" I asked Ethan.
"People died because time was stopped, but their bodily processes kept on working." He said
"Then why are you alive?" I asked.
"Cause those people who died, their bodies started eating themselves to provide nutrition to the vitals." He explained.
"Why didn't you die?" I asked.
"Cause my body had enough nutrition to provide for a few days" He said.
I started to whisper in his ear. "I have to tell you something... I did this."
I don't remember him saying anything afterwards but he wasn't emotive about it. I remember hearing people talk about how the few who manipulated time would always die and come back to life the next year. I remember imageries of my photo folder on the computer that somehow held small thumbnails of a group of people I knew were the programmers.

My New Dream

2008-07-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

My new dream is a pretty practical, short-sighted one. My new dream is to live in my own apartment with someone great- a band mate, a best friend, or a lover. I'd prefer the latter. I'd like to live in this apartment and be free to create musical concoctions of greatness. I'd also like to be able to pay the bills with some sort of job, if I couldn't do it through music. I've been thinking about this scenario mainly because I had my house to myself for a week. What was it like to take care of a home on your own? What kind of freedoms would I have? I just want to live and breathe on my own.

Characters

2008-07-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I had a reoccurring dream character show up again last night, probably for the 12th or so time. She was originally a real person and is, in a way, still a real person. In my eyes, however, she was nothing but a delusion. I wonder why, after totally forgetting about her on a conscious level does she keeps reappearing in my dreams? Life needs to fuck off for little while...

Eloquent

2008-07-16T02:20:00.001-07:00

First
I'm surrounded by tons of talented people. Many of them are able to express themselves through writing with extreme eloquence and accuracy. Unfortunately, I cant. Obviously, I don't practice as much as they do either. Regardless, everyone has certain skills and disabilities, and as of now, writing is my disability. It's not something I should be worrying about though. Having missed out on both the English 3 Honors and the AP English education, I've lost the technical aspects of English while leaving myself more time to practice music and other things. It's a valid sacrifice, I guess.

Second
I've edited my internal clock. The usual teenagers sleep cycle is from 10pm-2am to 8am-11am. Originally, I slept at around 11-12 and woke up around 9-10. Now I sleep from 2am to 11am. I figure with this method, I have more silence in my life and endless night hours to contemplate and do whatever the fuck I do.

Third
My exposure to philosophy has really affected me. I used to think that philosophy was one of the most pretentious subjects of all time (it still is), but I can't help but rant and discuss topics completely irrelevant to the actual act of living life and communicating to others on a personal level. I guess I'll try to both.

Fourth
I'm sixteen. Sixteen and Seventeen make a huge difference in my opinion. When you're seventeen, you can legally go see R and NC-17 movies without a guardian and the symbolic connotations of turning 17 and not even 18 are severe. The age of 17 seems to hold so much more intelligence than that of a 16 year old, and by affiliating myself with slightly older people I believe that I'm able to keep myself as sensible as possible.

P.S
Last of all, I'm going to update my summer movie list and post the +/-'s of the movies. I'll start tomorrow, when I'm not tired as fuck. I'm past my cycle, so I'll see you later today. (It's 2am, remember?)

The Obsessive Nature of Dissatisfaction

2008-07-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I've been working on lyrics cause that's my weakest point, musically at least. I don't know what constitutes good lyrics yet so I'm fucked, but here's a desperate attempt.

Understood, but displaced
It's just myself who's doing these things
Day by day, my complaints
It's just inaction taking place
And who am I, to think lowly of myself
And who am I, to think so highly of myself
There's no reason anyone would want to be
Near me

But then again, it's just these things
I never planned on doing anything
And all I do is ask, why?

And all I do is stare at the sky
Outside of myself, there aren't the worries
To barrage myself inside my head
They're just telling me
I should be dead
I should be dead
I should be dead

(I think i'm going to cut out the next part)

There's endless words to fornicate
Fuck them into endless phrases and stanzas,
Poetries, melodies and harmonies
Thoughts iterate improperly through
Coarse, meaningless words
I'll feign a talent I do not have
And they'll pass me
They'll pass me by

Some Phase...

2008-07-07T22:35:00.001-07:00

I've recently listened to some bands with female vocals. I have to say, women have more power than they often times think they do. The voices that come out of their mouths and the music that comes out of their instruments generate so much feeling, which creates a possibly more wrenching (in a different way) feeling(s) than a males music... not only over me, but I'm sure plenty others feel it as well.

I'm wondering, why don't female songwriters exist near me? It's a shame...

ps. Talent makes everyone exponentially more attractive.

Expression

2008-06-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Music is great for personal expression. In fact, my main goal is to accessibly express myself through music. However, something strange struck me. I realized that whenever I feel completely horrible, through guilt, sadness, or any other extremely negative emotion, I feel sick whenever I even attempt to do anything. Including guitar playing and song writing.

I guess i'll have to work on that...