Well...

It doesn't matter what I say now. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel like expressing these thoughts in the form of a song right now, because I'm thoroughly discontent with my songwriting abilities. I'm getting better, but for now, I need a serious break. I'm going to be frank, and it's going to be discomforting. I'm a teenager, and I'm aware of the fact that in a few weeks, I'll look back at this post and pity myself for being such an idiot; grammatically and emotionally. Well, I might as well get started.

I've gotten accustomed to what I had this summer, and thorougly enjoyed it. However, while attempting to improve musically, I attempted to 'shift' my musical style, and by doing so, I've encountered many obstacles. It made me doubt my capacity and creative output. Through this I quickly spiraled into discontent. Not depression, but a regular dose of sadness. Seems like these things just follow each other. Later, I went to Japantown (which is great by the way) and, of course, I saw alot of girls. (p.s I realized that when a girl looks at you for a while and looks away real fast it can mean two things: either she is attracted to you and is flushing, or she is embarassed that she looked at you because she found you unattractive). Many of which I should've talked to, but didn't. Obviously, I'm an idiot. It only made me feel lonely. Whenever I see a girl that I want to talk to, I always shift into their 1st person perpective and immediately think that I would be rejected due to the very fact that I was essentially some creeper with an unknown goal in mind. I always think, "what am I going to say, anyways?". To tell you the truth, I don't have anything to say. "Hey" or "I like what you're wearing"... all these phrases make me feel like an idiot, and I don't know how people ever get away with it. Anyways, it's not like that. It's not how I feel at all.

I'm just lonely, and I don't know what I want to do with myself. I want to share my feelings with someone who goes beyond a friend in terms of the type of 'intimacy' between a relationship relationship and a friendship relationship. I just want be able to have everything I have with my friends: intelligent conversations, idiotic conversations, hilarious conversations and great times. A type of alleviation and content different from all the others. I want to share and provide and recieve what I am capable of giving.

Girls can't see guys in such a positive light, and they seem incapable of knowing what a nice guy is. I don't blame them at all. Why would I be any different from the majority, anyways? To be able to go up to them ( the girl ) shows them that I have some level of confidence, but what is my purpose? It couldn't be good, could it? Of course not", they would think. I can't seem to get across this negative thinking, and I know that in these scenarios, most people aren't as negative as I would be and at least 40% of the time give me a chance. So why don't I act? Cause I'm a fucking idiot. Does it seem like I would prefer to have a real relationship, or continue my sad, whiny bitching? Of course I'd rather have a relationship.

I don't want to be a generic sensitive guy, cause I'm not. I'm realistic.