Renew

I haven't posted in ages, but that is okay. I'm going to explode all over this post within the next 27 minutes (the amt of battery I have left on this laptop).

School is essentially over. We have finals week, then graduation on Friday. To me, finals week is not even a real week. I haven't had too many good friends over the course of high school, and hardly participated in any extracurricular or academic endeavors strongly, but everything I've fucked up in ended up creating more than I could ever hope for. Although I know my talent is very controversial (in the sense that it could be greatly appreciated or disliked), I appreciate it for being a talent that I can pursue without grimacing or bitching. My state of mind is not totally secure at the moment, but I can feel strongly and realistically about all of this for at least the next week and the week after graduation.

Getting a job only solidifies my existence outside of high school. The entire concept of saving money to live on your own stems from money. Although the saying "money isn't everything" is metaphorical, it's true in the literal sense. If you'd like to pursue your goals, you need money to live on your own, buy materials (art, music, academic etc.) and invest (in the bank or in your future). The core of needing money to pursue any goal is not depressing to me because it generally doesn't alter the outcome of many peoples growth including myself (unless severely disadvantaged from birth). Still there are success stories from those types and I believe in them, because they are usually the most inspiring and 'real' out of all.

This day has allowed me to recognize my faults and my commendable traits. I realized that I'm not a kid anymore and the things I do hold weight to not only myself but those around me. I'm not saying that because of the graduation taking place so soon, but the concept of everyone leaving, and me having to start from scratch with this matter. This post is unbelievably cathartic although convoluted. I must restate once again that I am not in a stable mindset.

The future is ours and fucking up immensely will usually lead to epic successes. I will be grateful for all these. Some particular people I know are going to make some change in their respective fields. I hope to become one of them, but I cannot have absolute confidence in this because 1. I am not egotistical enough and 2. I am realistic. I save my realism for myself and hope for others. If anybody needs to be truthful, it's one towards him/herself.

We'll live and during these times of acceptance (more so than ever before) we are actually more free to pursue different goals. I just hope that everyone is willing to risk as much as possible to achieve them. Failure is imminent if risks are canceled out and disregarded completely. But as people grow up I believe that they have the understanding that there is not other way to go. At least the smart ones. I hope my many of my friends are those people, or will become those people. I am going to try hard- much harder than I am now. I will live hard and hopefully die hard.

To reach people you have to live beyond race and culture. I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER. I HOPE WE WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL TOGETHER. NO EXAGGERATIONS. I HAVE HOPE. AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS. SOMETIMES LOGIC NEEDS TO BE THROWN ASIDE.

Fuck All

When I refer to people, I refer to people I know

There's no point of becoming a bitter, old man. The point of becoming bitter is a coping strategy for things that you believe you cannot solve, so you become bitter to cope with them. It means you care, but it also means you're inactive enough to do anything about it. So what counts more? Doing something of course. There's never 'nothing you can do'. 

In fact, if someone were to be outwardly bitter, it's almost a guarantee that they aren't doing shit. People who are doing shit about things they feel are bad about their lives or the world don't become bitter. There would be no place for bitterness. For instance, think of the typical old person thinking to himself "grrr... kids". This may be a stereotype, but even HERE in high school, I know that there are little fucking kids who think they are very grown up with this mindset. Are they right? Do they have a right to go "grrr... kids"? Of course. But that doesn't change the fact that they have to both live with it and find a way to deal with it instead of pissing themselves off.  I'm not here to offer a fucking solution, in fact I may be as bad as these bitter people nowadays, but I'm conscious of it and I'll surely stop if I even breach barriers between acting like one of these bitter, mature kids over myself. 

There's just one thing I have to say to all these arty, depressed kids I see everywhere these days. You're not Elliott Smith, Nick Drake, or Kurt Cobain. First of all, Elliott Smith and the rest had legitimate psychological disorders, and had a legitimate coping strategy- music. Even through their support and all, they was still unable to feel better about himself. I obviously don't know them personally but it's probably given that 99% of you are not suffering like they were, and regardless, 'artistic' people I've been around act similarly to them in the sense that they are bitter and affected by such little things around them. I don't know if this is just a trait of characters I've been around, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were attributed to more similar people. 

People seem to victimize themselves for the sake of who knows what. I could only think of the following reasons- 1. to boost their artistic character 2. to put themselves in an easier position. But wait- how is putting yourself in the position of the victim an EASIER option? It clearly is from what I've seen because when you are the supposed 'victim', everything bad that is happening to you is not because of 'you' but because of 'other things around you'. I've victimized myself when I shouldn't have. 

The difference between me criticizing this concept and participating in it and others who only participate in it is, well, once again... how conscious we are of it. The first step to changing stuff you dislike or hate about yourself or the world is recognizing it. Of course this alone won't do anything. I'll have to take man steps.

Wait

I don't want to become more snappy. But I feel like I am becoming so. I've been patient in my relationships with people and now I've grown tired. Felt like I've been fucked with. And I'm sick of it, you'd think smart people would get it; some do, some disregard it and vent out themselves. When I feel obligated to speak out, they may be so used to me giving useless, alleviating advice that my words of opposition offend them. Fuck you though, who do you think you are. Just cause I haven't snapped at you or blatantly expressed anger (because that is not what I've felt at the time) doesn't mean it won't come. People say don't criticize others if you can't criticize yourself, but that's all I've been doing. Getting on my case about what I've done wrong, and it's what you (plural) have emphasizing. I'm done owning myself, it's the only thing I've been doing. This is what I see:

You: who the fuck do you think you are. I know you are unbelievably smart and talented, and like everyone else there are flaws about you, but yours are enormous. I'm sick of the righteousness, and I'm sick of the inferiority you assume onto me. You act spoiled in the sense that you explode once things don't go your way and act as if there's some huge tumult of emotion that coincides with your obstacles. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. Regardless of whether you're smart or dumb, you're not humbled by any stretch of the imagination no matter how much you try to pretend and suppress that idea (that you are a genius). It's all pretend, and I've seen you swim in the pool of your "creative mastermind". Bitching artistically is perfectly acceptable in all mediums, but when you exaggerate with the form you've just become a little bitch. If you stopped taking yourself so fucking seriously you might be able to learn a little about yourself and stop applying very definite definitions on your character and life. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. You're the pseudo-mature fool I've grown to hate. First, you'll mold what you talk about/act like (like every other insecure bitch) to feign interest in a person you're trapping (in this certain case, the idiot was me). Then you bait them and use them as a means for attention when necessary. Fucking with people is unrespectable cause it makes you a leech. A leech for attention, while providing false hope for others. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. All you do is indulge. Indulge in fucking drugs and hanging out and clothes and stupid pictures online. You don't provide anything for anyone. It doesn't even matter if this "you" is a singular person anymore because "you" encompass so many others- so unoriginal. You're like some sort of fairy that just dances around guys acting like an idiot, and they want you for it. But you won't give, and why? It doesn't matter, you make them look bad, you exposure their desires, and you play them for it. It's not entertaining to watch. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. You'll tell your side of the story, pretend to tell the other side of the story, and provide antics and appeal so everyone will side on your side. You'll tell them that you trust them and you don't tell others about whatever you're talking a bout, when it's obvious you do tell everyone. My friend knows so, you talk to us both and say the same things. You're not always right and we're not always going to be on your side. Your problems aren't always very real. Don't talk to me about them and leave. That's what a blog is for, fucker. 

I used to never feel like I could say fuck you to people due to the fact that I didn't know whether or not their problems/flaws were legitimate. But now I realize that many times they use it to their advantage to get away with things and have no intention to improve and hurt others because of it. And that's fucked, and I don't sympathize or empathize with it.

I Go In Cycles

How can one be presumtuous enough to judge someone off of pictures and descriptions? Well I can, towards certain types of people. When people are attempting to be a certain way they naturally aren't (characteristically) in a subtle fashion, it can easily become much worse than if they were just straight forward with their intention. For some undisclosed, potentially fucked up reason, They tend to mold their pictures/profile on facebook (or any other social networking site) a certain way without seeming desperate or purposeful, it becomes the most desperate in reality (to me). Maybe I'm just straight up wrong to be so judgemental, but instinctual behavior may be life saving. Why am I talking about other people now? Cause I'm not really- it applies more to myself and how other people treat me...

For instance, James thinks I'm an idiot,  and this may be warranted in some regard- I've acted or said things that we're out of place or just straight up retarded around him, but in total, I'd have to disagree- I'm not an idiot. There's a difference between thinking something about someone before hand, and acting upon your presumption. He does the latter. Which makes him an asshole in this regard. Asshole.

Parker thinks that I'm intense and make absolute judgements and adhere to them. I asked him today if I snapped at him when I responded to his statement. He said yes. Regardless of whether or not the last part is true, the first observation isn't true, and I disagreed wholeheartedly- but I do acknowledge his second judgement- I might just one of the most intense people he's ever met. I do intense things not because I want to adhere to an absolute truth or belief, but because I am tired of acting passively. I'm calculative, so when the time comes to be active, I assume all responsibility of my action (if I chose to follow my judgement/calculation, if I don't lose my balls) and provide a decisive answer/responding action. Regardless, this answer isn't an absolute, as I'll state one more time. I'll always leave room for variance and flexibility, but if I want to get anywhere in terms of acting, I guess I may come off as explosive and absolute.

It's true that I'm usually inactive when it comes to doing things, but it's mainly because I don't do things gradually- or I do, but just in my head. What kind of examples could I provide regarding these things? I'm talking about my life here, and it's my blog- I'm allowing myself to be as abstract as possible. Another reason for this 'intensity' may be due to my tendency to snap even after gradual decline of positive emotion. In other words, I don't have to pent up emotion to snap (although it may aid in my snapping occasionally). Fortunately, I don't consider myself 'snappy'. 

Once again, who knows, these justifications I am making may be equally as bad as how my friends and enemies (goddamnit James) interpret these qualities I'm justifying. If I'm so convinced that I know so little, why would I even bother with explanations- or attempts at them? 1. Because I can and 2. Because it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, if everything is so subjective. My purpose is to find the ultimate balance and be able to live without leaning too heavily towards the extremes, belief wise. See, this in itself is an intense belief, in the sense that I'm behaving in a way that is affected by this logic, which is deductive but not absolute- so what do I do when I hate being wrong (or even just potentially wrong) about my judgments, and still end up with a belief that I don't know whether or not I should adhere to? I'll live with it and find out what ends up having the best result. Although I hate talking about life as one singular thing, I'd like to just for this one example: Life seems like a huge experiment, and the only thing you can do is reap the best positive results for yourself- even if those means are helping others, it is always reflected upon back to your own purpose- if you're human. I think. Goddamnit.

Maturity

Maturity is obnoxiously sought out in high school. Almost everyone winces from being called immature, if called seriously. The problem is maturity is assumed to come with seriousness. Of course you can force seriousness upon yourself for no good reason. Why teenagers assume seriousness with maturity, is due to immaturity. They assimilate everything bad about maturity, such as pseudo-seriousness, and activities that adults participate in such as reading books, listening to 'sophisticated' music, and drink teas or dine exquistely- activities they cannot even attempt to understand the depth of at all, content wise, music-wise, text-wise, or flavor wise.

The most absurd part is the fact that their rushing these things. Activities that adults enjoy grow with age and when teenagers force these activities upon themselves, I personally feel ridiculous and embarassed to be around such people. Parker helped me come to the realization that a real mature teenager understands the meaning and connotation of their age and the people he/she's surrounded by. By knowing this, he/she makes the best decisions accordingly instead of assuming the 'responsibilities' of someone much older; their lives are situationally different in almost every way. Another example of immaturity that these 'mature kids' exude is a feeling, or act of elitism. They then isolate themselves to people similar to them- obviously not truly mature people, but pseudo-matures. To isolate yourself in this particular manner is to ignore what is unpleasant in an individuals life for the sake of their own 'maturity'. Who the shit would want to spend time around fools like them? It's honestly too much.

Open

I've developed one singular, and as far as I have experienced or argued for, unfalsible philosophy. The philosophy to not believe in any absolutes, or philosophically at least. You may be thinking that this is an absolute in itself, but honestly, I'm taking a nihilistic approach to believing this in a sense. I'm not saying that this philosophy is correct, I'm just saying that it is the most effective philosophy that rids me of many other conceptual boundaries that would have halted my growth personally if I had believed in them (i.e, religion). 

The negative effect of this philosophy is the fact that I can't regard any events with any well established moral compass, but now that I think about it... I just changed my mind. I actually do think this is a good thing. I will refer to the question "would you kill one person to save a 1000?" to support my point. To most people, killing is morally wrong, and the thousand would die indirectly so it is not the cause of a direct action, thus making it more moral to allow the one to live. If I had an established moral compass, the only reason I wouldn't choose to kill the individual is because I would assume/be convinced in all sincerity that "killing is wrong". By adhering to this absolute belief, what happens is 1000 others die indirectly, not by your hand but by the judgment taken from an absolute belief. Wasting the potential of 1000 individuals would be astounding and selfish on the morally righteous person; adhering to your own beliefs that will lead to the demise of the 1000. 

If I stuck to a mode of philosophical or moral belief, the margin of error is unbelievably high- and although I am probably not going to do any better in my life by not adhering to a particular belief, I know I am not blindly basing all (or many) of my decisions off potentially (by potential I mean 50%) false beliefs. 

Of course, I am a hypocrite. It would be impossible for me to adhere to the belief fully. If I was placed in a room given a knife or gun with someone telling me to "kill this man, or else 1000 others would die", I doubt I would be able to kill the man. But I am willing to acknowledge that I was wrong by not doing so. 

What have I been doing?

For once I feel strongly about something, so I doubt there's a limit to how far I can go with this hypothesis/belief.

What I believe: I believe that the piano will become my primary instrument once I begin playing. I've been playing music for a few years, with the guitar as my primary instrument. I now realize that guitar is probably not my primary instrument. I've felt a very, very strong affinity/connection/whatever towards the piano recently, and although my favorite bands and musicians are not piano-based, I still feel just as compelled to excel at the instrument, and to give the piano an equal prominence in my music as the guitar.

REVELATION!!!

All Of A Sudden I Miss Everyone

I've lost alot of friends this year. The year where everybody is supposed to celebrate together. It's fallen into oblivion, and I may have done it to myself.

1. I told my friend that I would be joining a band with my other friends. His interpretation was that I betrayed him because I wasn't going to play music with him as a primary band. I told him I would still play music with him, but apparently this was not enough. Of course, he was the one who was pissed off at the time, and I just allowed him free space until he decided to talk to me again. He didn't.

2. This guy was my best friend. Through the 4-6 years we've gone through together, more thoughts, emotions and words have been exchanged than with any other person (and maybe even every other person combined). It may have been an overdue thing, but I changed, and he didn't. It seemed as if I was making the effort to hold the friendship together, and he repeatedly tore at the thin thread that was holding us together, that I constantly had to re-thread. I wasn't able to deal with it anymore. Extremely overdue? Possibly. Weakness? Maybe. Let's see how you would've dealt with a similar situation first.

3. This friend showed no sympathy around times of extreme distress. It was not his fault, and he was unable to understand through his seemingly unaffected life and undermining of others. Upon an instance of being bitched out, I blocked him on instant messenger, unblocked him occasionally, and allowed him to contact me if he wanted to. Like previous friend #1, he didn't.

4. This friend disappeared behind his own endeavors of greatness. Although it may have been just that, I feel as if I made it very clear to him that I had almost nobody left. Well, no efforts have been made to strengthen our friendship, and I feel as if I had attempted to in the past. This seeming unwillingness to do so felt unfair to me. I did not want to be the only one making an effort in the friendship. He may have potentially thought that it couldn't be so bad, seeing as if he has very few close to him as well as fares pretty well. Of course, there is a special individual he has which I do not have that is the difference between our worlds in terms of social interactions. This friendship has become very sparse.

I had six very important friends in my life. And now, three of them are no longer my friends, one of them has become very disconnected, and another is in New York.

Flying

Around 6 PM, I usually sit down and go on the computer. Whether I am being productive or unproductive, I always end up descending into a deep sorrow as the night goes on. Why does it feel as if my thoughts descend into such negativity? I think they are realizations. When I have time to relax and reflect upon my situation, day time activities are not there for me to burrow in. There isn't external stimulus that allows me to forget about my problems.  Everything that I experience at night is usually from within myself.

All Night

Tonight, I will not sleep. I will write on my contemplations.

12:26pm

I am currently severely irritated at various things. First of all, I don't understand how I could be so utterly disrespected. Having read a comment (on a friends blog) that was meant as a joke, I realized that it wasn't only a joke because of the affirmation in the argument we had. I argued on life experience vs. book knowledge and study-based knowledge. The social sciences and philosophies are infinitely applicable to life whereas the sciences and maths are beneficial toward the advancement of humanity. Both coexist, I realize, and the prior was completely disrespected on my behalf. I remember it being belittled. How can one of the most important factors of LIVING be belittled and disrespected? It really pissed me off. I remember it now, because of the condescending, joking manner in which the individual spoke to me with a few days ago. Maybe it's her normal tone? I hate it.

2:33

I am currently watching Superbad. It feels good to laugh.

3:23

Lost ability to contemplate. Tiredness = alot...

4:23

Will lie on bed...

Conclusion:

Fuck, I fell asleep. Experiment Incomplete.

Perspective? Perception?

The glass is neither half empty or half full. It is not a matter of perception, because it is both. If a glass is filled to the middle, it is both half empty and half full. What else do I have to explain here? When referencing a perspective a person has on life (optimism v. pessimism) they're referring to a stupid belief or mindset. Yes, it is blatantly stupid for the following reasons: Optimists have one perspective, the positive one, whereas pessimists contain the negative ones. However, all situations have more than one side, so why can't we utilize both to initiate an action that would end up becoming the best possible solution? A critique might be that it leads to complete indecisiveness, but I disagree. Nothing is perfectly balanced in the middle, just like the glass of water. It is either a little bit more full or a little bit less full, and by weighing the factors which are most prominent, independent of these stupid perspectives, the most productive solution can be created.

Excellence

I wish cool people would appear more often. I mean, in Pokemon, pretty cool Pokemon appear all the time and you can just catch them and have them become your best friend. But with people, you can't even reason with them. They're not interested in talking to you. Even though they may be, looks of ill-will are focused towards you. Regardless, I am still going to live by this thought. I'm going to try and capture the hearts of some potential friends. Fuck Pokemon for getting my hopes up. Well, I can't say it's been completely bad. I've become closer with a friend and have made a new friend. Course, both of them are spectacular people too! Thanks for being here for me. I hope we can all succeed together.

Fuming? Or Venting?

I've dealt through my recently rough times with small pleasantries and a huge dreams, waiting for a product to come about. Although I have this in front of me, my avoidance of social interactions leaves me with a foreign feeling I have not had for a while. Loneliness. So, how do I alleviate this? By, well, that's secret ;)

I believe that people deal with situations in 3 possible ways. The first way is by determining an action on the shallowest level (i.e Bob punched me, and it hurt, so I'm going to punch him back). The second way is by determining the action off of thought and processing of the situation, and the context that it is placed in (i.e Bob punched me, and although it hurt, I did wrong him in the following ways, etc.). This method is also accompanied by psychology, taking in verifiable and generally agreed upon psychological theories. The third way, however, is complete bullshit which tons of people use. They go beyond both the first and second level, and use their philosophical, religious, or guesswork psychology to deal with social situations (i.e Bob punched me, but it was inevitable because our lives were laid out for us). Regardless of the belief (determinism, fatalism, nihilism) they are all founded on guesses and by putting your absolute trust in one of them is seemingly like putting all your trust in the hands of a stranger. Would you really act or justify beliefs solely because of nurtured faith? People do. People usually do when they have no justifications on the 1st and 2nd level, and thus go to the third level to justify themselves. So in other words, whenever it is convenient for them. In a sense, people always act nihilist and humanist until they are forced to bring upon their other set of beliefs upon convenience.

Cause =

Every possible thing any person could possibly say can be denied or debated against with an infinite number of abstract points. The stupidest part about those arguments is the fact that we all live in this world together, with modes of speech and behavior, to interact on the same level. If we use complete abstractions to argue against people and points they make, it has no application in this world. If I were to say that "the world is unbalanced emotionally, as proven in the crisis in Africa", someone could potentially say "no, the good is taken for granted and even kids in Darfur have equal happiness because their brief moments of happiness, in their eyes, are equal to events that we take for granted in our everyday lives (such as acquiring one meal in days)". I think that this is completely idealistic and completely stupid and untrue for multiple reasons. First of all, they cannot gauge how others feel. Secondly, the scale used to measure this is completely objective, making it so everything so BECOMES balanced with no mathematical evidence or even BASIS in experience. If such were true, nothing would need to be done. In context of what to do, and ideals, such concepts are useless and detrimental. There are dozens more that share the same belief sets. Alot of religious beliefs also stunt progress in the context in which we are living. It's truly unbelievable. Fucking ridiculous.

This is BAD

Turns out I have some form of phase-OCD (purely-obsessional OCD) or OCD-esque qualities. It is triggered by my anxiety caused by traveling. Great. It has never been a permanent situation and I somehow was able to create CBT, or Cognitive Behavorial Treatment, a very empirical and legitimate form of therapy. Amazing! It is said that when the subject is able to become indifferent towards these psychological questions, the treatment is successful. Seems like I've done it previous times but now I must face the same battle. The mind is tricky and indifference is hard to obtain when chemicals are battling against your will.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purely_Obsessional_OCD

Anxiety

I have severe anxiety whenever I travel somewhere I'm not prepared for. I guess I'm a pansy in that sense. Before my trip over this weekend, I didn't recognize it as me just being a pansy, and constantly attempted to barrage myself with paranoid thoughts of what I could be doing wrong or how messed up I am, with no apparent basis except for my eruptions of random, sick imageries. These "messed-up" things are essentially the plagues of anyone's (including my own) moral standards set by society and themselves, which any person would be afraid of. During these times, I am also afraid of being gay, but I don't think this has to do with the fear of being 'gay' in itself, but rather because of my inability to understand what I am (I will explain later). I initially believed that I may have been utterly repressed and had extremely sick desires, but at the same time, I feel disgusted to the point of clamminess and nauseousness. I realized that I didn't need to deny nor repress any further, because no repressing had be done in the first place.

I will now explain why. When I am severely anxious, I consciously and subconsciously create possibilities as to why I could be feeling this way, and create imagery in my mind (a mixture of subconscious and conscious projection) to "justify" my anxiety, when it is merely my chemical response towards my inability to adapt to different environments over elongated periods of time (after a certain while, say 3 days or so it gets better). I do this because I know that I have traits of rationality and a 'need' for understanding. As I stated earlier, I didn't realize that this was merely my 'homesickness'. By doing so, I made myself feel more fear and more anxiety, which in response made me question whether or not I was repressing them (if they were desires) or just sickened by them (as consciously/subconsciously created imagery). However, by being rational I wasn't one to deny these sick potentially repressed desires immediately. I had some respect towards psychoanalysis and other psychological approaches and attempted to understand my situation instead of ignoring it and letting it pass (as it usually does). Conclusively I realized that 1. they were not my repressed desires and 2. I was sickened. I will explain how I recognized that I was not repressed in the following paragraph.

As I said earlier, my main fear during these times of anxiety was that I was repressed, and at heart and in my nature, I was truly the type of person who would harm everyone around me in every criminal way imaginable. My experience is similar to this: Immediately after I return home or spend a decent amount of time away from home, it goes away and these disturbances cease to exist in entirety. In my normal non-anxious, non-hysteric life I always stress self-improvement towards myself and everyday living because I want the best for my friends, family and myself and would do everything possible to prevent myself from ever hurting them. (No, I do not change due to the fact that I realize these imageries are sick, because I tend to forget them entirely when operating in my everyday life. They are also not a product of my subconscious reminding me and prompting me want to self improve either, because I have very emotionally moving, conscious experiences that have motivated me to change). I've come to realize that I am not repressed, because these are my true feelings developed throughout my life. In everyday life, I never think about my paranoia's, and have never exhibited any behavior or random emotions (anger, depression, sadness) that expresses my would-be repressed feelings (as far as my friends and I are concerned). I don't hide anything from my friends, besides for my anxiety, which I have now explained to everyone. This is my conclusion, but I still feel horrible.

I can't seem to consciously remove my instantaneous eruption of anxiety and paranoia. I don't deserve this.

It's True

Although I play music mainly for myself, I'd enjoy playing it for other people who would appreciate it. This is the difficult part. I can't imagine my peers enjoying my music. Who the hell would I release my music to? I can't imagine two of my close friends enjoying my music. They probably wouldn't. Although they would most likely dislike my songs in terms of style rather than song, I'd still be unhappy. There would be little point to show them.

Amelie / Waking Life

"Times are hard for dreamers."

Yes they fucking are, does this shit ever happen? Is god still telling me to wait? I'm underage to feel this kind of torment. I've weathered and aged beyond my years. Maturity should come with the right age.

It's not

I've seen people who claim that they have depression even when they have almost everything: Looks, family, friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, social smarts, school smarts, money etc. Even then, they emphasize on the minute details of what is causing their 'suffering'. Emo tendencies, you may say. Others say their depression is actually clinical. Does that mean that mine is too? I often times experience many of the symptoms that many clinically depressed persons should have (and often as well). I would know, cause I have feverishly read about it. Seems like I deal with these shit feelings better than those other people I'm thinking of without medication.

My depression is real and absolute. I'm not sure what magnitude of ownage I would've needed to experience to call it a crisis, so I'm not going to use any terms that could potentially seem exaggerated. In fact, even I should stop bitching and handle my own shit by myself and save other people the trouble. "But that's what friends are for". Maybe? It's pointless. Making exaggerations and pouring out exaggerated feelings is stupid. They're not even real most of the times. They're exaggerated. We just can't handle it and think it holds more signifigance than it actually does. I think some people need to shut up and just deal with their miniscule problems. Expanding on tiny details of 'misery' isn't going to make anyone feel better.

Woo, the weather is here to reflect my feelings! There's the glimmering sun in the distance, and fog everywhere else. I can't reach the light man! Cause I'm emotional! I can only dwell in this fog of dead things!

= ?

+ is used for any semi-unrelated thoughts.

I've become some strange, rational being of doom. After a phase of encouraging myself to become the best I could, I removed many of my own flaws. Of course, I am human and will never be perfect, and don't plan on doing so-

+Perfection means a complete unbalance in emotion. Nobody would remain human if they ever achieved the state of "Perfection". They would only be able to express positive and 'beneficial' emotions!

but regardless, by removing many of my flaws I may have also removed many emotions from myself (as of now). By doing so, I think I've become cold. I gain the ability to help my friends by not getting carried away with their personal problems and listening without interfering. In other words, being able to carry a burden without being completely personally involved. I'm not a pro at it yet, but I'm definetely better than most people.

+I don't plan on becoming a psychiatrist, at all.

Regardless of this ability, it's not worth it at all. Living in a mundane world of constant observation and decision making based upon rationality is both boring and restricting. Without feeling strongly, I will never be able to reach out past the surface to empathize. I am human. I will not stay devoid of emotion forever, but I have been for an unreasonably long time. How did I become this way? I'm sure that someone can improve themselves without removing their emotion. Or could they? I don't feel as if I've done anything negative in the process to deserve this.

+I cannot empathize. I CANNOT EMPATHIZE. I've gotten "you don't understand" from two of my friends consecutively. How can I live in a separate emotional universe than my friends like this? How?! God...

I feel remote sadness when thinking about the fact that I can't empathize, but overall, I'm just tired of feeling so little. I'm bored. Boredom is my strongest emotion. How sad is that?