Renew

I haven't posted in ages, but that is okay. I'm going to explode all over this post within the next 27 minutes (the amt of battery I have left on this laptop).

School is essentially over. We have finals week, then graduation on Friday. To me, finals week is not even a real week. I haven't had too many good friends over the course of high school, and hardly participated in any extracurricular or academic endeavors strongly, but everything I've fucked up in ended up creating more than I could ever hope for. Although I know my talent is very controversial (in the sense that it could be greatly appreciated or disliked), I appreciate it for being a talent that I can pursue without grimacing or bitching. My state of mind is not totally secure at the moment, but I can feel strongly and realistically about all of this for at least the next week and the week after graduation.

Getting a job only solidifies my existence outside of high school. The entire concept of saving money to live on your own stems from money. Although the saying "money isn't everything" is metaphorical, it's true in the literal sense. If you'd like to pursue your goals, you need money to live on your own, buy materials (art, music, academic etc.) and invest (in the bank or in your future). The core of needing money to pursue any goal is not depressing to me because it generally doesn't alter the outcome of many peoples growth including myself (unless severely disadvantaged from birth). Still there are success stories from those types and I believe in them, because they are usually the most inspiring and 'real' out of all.

This day has allowed me to recognize my faults and my commendable traits. I realized that I'm not a kid anymore and the things I do hold weight to not only myself but those around me. I'm not saying that because of the graduation taking place so soon, but the concept of everyone leaving, and me having to start from scratch with this matter. This post is unbelievably cathartic although convoluted. I must restate once again that I am not in a stable mindset.

The future is ours and fucking up immensely will usually lead to epic successes. I will be grateful for all these. Some particular people I know are going to make some change in their respective fields. I hope to become one of them, but I cannot have absolute confidence in this because 1. I am not egotistical enough and 2. I am realistic. I save my realism for myself and hope for others. If anybody needs to be truthful, it's one towards him/herself.

We'll live and during these times of acceptance (more so than ever before) we are actually more free to pursue different goals. I just hope that everyone is willing to risk as much as possible to achieve them. Failure is imminent if risks are canceled out and disregarded completely. But as people grow up I believe that they have the understanding that there is not other way to go. At least the smart ones. I hope my many of my friends are those people, or will become those people. I am going to try hard- much harder than I am now. I will live hard and hopefully die hard.

To reach people you have to live beyond race and culture. I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER. I HOPE WE WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL TOGETHER. NO EXAGGERATIONS. I HAVE HOPE. AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS. SOMETIMES LOGIC NEEDS TO BE THROWN ASIDE.

The Weekend

Although the weekend is a time for rest, I've been so extraordinarily lazy and useless in the past several weeks that I dread the weekends. I've gone out of a practicing groove, which I definetely need to get back into. First step would be to turn off the computer except for the following purposes: 1. Downloading music 2. Reading Comics 3. Checking Email 4. Blogging. I look forward to the next week, solely for school- and why? Cause I want something to fill up my time so I don't waste it doing the same repetitive things on the computer. This shouldn't be happening, so that's where my No Computer Except For The Following Activities initiation takes place. 

Here's a story.

In the past, I have blogged about how people don't approach each other in high school and thus lose many oppurtunities to make friends and meet people they thought that they could become acquainted with. I felt this way as well. I wasn't comfortable with approaching random people because nobody did it; I had no vantage point or real life experience that could aid me to do something like this (indie movies DO NOT count as real life experiences). 

But I became desperate. In my desperation, I developed courage. Though I had the courage to talk to this certain random girl, I did not have the confidence and my delivery was shaky. But the point is, I did something that practically nobody on the face of the planet would do in High School. I did it! 

It took me an entire week to sum up the courage. I didn't miss the first oppurtunity I got. I was walking out of the Attendance Office, where I spotted her. 

I CAN'T DO IT

I thought to myself as I walked towards the Library. I made a right turn, where I sat on the floor in front of Mr. Browns classroom. She walked into the library, and I was greeted by Nate, who just came out of the library. I said hi and I told him how I needed to talk to this random girl, and how I didn't have the balls. Somewhere along these lines I developed the balls again. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by Stanley, urging me on to convert my bike into a fixie. I ignored him and started walking into the Library, with conviction. 

"Where are you going?" He asked.

I kept on walking, and into the Library I went. I thought I could do it, but once again I didn't have the courage. So I stood for a while until I noticed Stanley again.

"Do it. Do it!" He said, referring to his bike conversion idea.

Not paying any attention to him, the words were urging me on to do something else. Still I didn't do it, so I just sat in a chair by a table ater the bell rung. After careful analysis I realized that she was the librarians aid. It was hilarious to me because she was such a shy, librarian chick type already. At this point, it was too late for escape. She started pushing the chairs back towards the desks, scattered everywhere by carefree 3rd period class. These were the desks by which I was sitting. 

"Do you need any help?"

"No, thanks though" She said, smiling. I didn't expect anyone to be uncomfortable with the fact that someone was offering help. Maybe it was because I was a guy. I don't think guys try to talk to her or anything.

"Wait- could I talk to you real quick?"

I stood up, and walked up to her. At this point, I couldn't go back. My fear skyrocketted. I was sinking inside of my head. But it was too late. I already-

"Uh.. I know that I don't know you... and you don't know me, but... I'd really regret it if I didn't talk to you at all... and I was wondering if you wanted to, uh, get lunch sometime" 

I'm pretty sure I sounded awkward. And I'm positive that my voice was shaking. This was more expected than what came afterwards. 

"Uhm... I don't know... no thanks... It was nice of you to ask...". 

It wasn't the result that baffled me. It was the delivery. Her voice was shaking harder than I was , and she was redder than I could ever become... How do people become this shy? Or did I really do something that outrageous?

I don't think I'm giving it up yet.

Fuck All

When I refer to people, I refer to people I know

There's no point of becoming a bitter, old man. The point of becoming bitter is a coping strategy for things that you believe you cannot solve, so you become bitter to cope with them. It means you care, but it also means you're inactive enough to do anything about it. So what counts more? Doing something of course. There's never 'nothing you can do'. 

In fact, if someone were to be outwardly bitter, it's almost a guarantee that they aren't doing shit. People who are doing shit about things they feel are bad about their lives or the world don't become bitter. There would be no place for bitterness. For instance, think of the typical old person thinking to himself "grrr... kids". This may be a stereotype, but even HERE in high school, I know that there are little fucking kids who think they are very grown up with this mindset. Are they right? Do they have a right to go "grrr... kids"? Of course. But that doesn't change the fact that they have to both live with it and find a way to deal with it instead of pissing themselves off.  I'm not here to offer a fucking solution, in fact I may be as bad as these bitter people nowadays, but I'm conscious of it and I'll surely stop if I even breach barriers between acting like one of these bitter, mature kids over myself. 

There's just one thing I have to say to all these arty, depressed kids I see everywhere these days. You're not Elliott Smith, Nick Drake, or Kurt Cobain. First of all, Elliott Smith and the rest had legitimate psychological disorders, and had a legitimate coping strategy- music. Even through their support and all, they was still unable to feel better about himself. I obviously don't know them personally but it's probably given that 99% of you are not suffering like they were, and regardless, 'artistic' people I've been around act similarly to them in the sense that they are bitter and affected by such little things around them. I don't know if this is just a trait of characters I've been around, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were attributed to more similar people. 

People seem to victimize themselves for the sake of who knows what. I could only think of the following reasons- 1. to boost their artistic character 2. to put themselves in an easier position. But wait- how is putting yourself in the position of the victim an EASIER option? It clearly is from what I've seen because when you are the supposed 'victim', everything bad that is happening to you is not because of 'you' but because of 'other things around you'. I've victimized myself when I shouldn't have. 

The difference between me criticizing this concept and participating in it and others who only participate in it is, well, once again... how conscious we are of it. The first step to changing stuff you dislike or hate about yourself or the world is recognizing it. Of course this alone won't do anything. I'll have to take man steps.

Wait

I don't want to become more snappy. But I feel like I am becoming so. I've been patient in my relationships with people and now I've grown tired. Felt like I've been fucked with. And I'm sick of it, you'd think smart people would get it; some do, some disregard it and vent out themselves. When I feel obligated to speak out, they may be so used to me giving useless, alleviating advice that my words of opposition offend them. Fuck you though, who do you think you are. Just cause I haven't snapped at you or blatantly expressed anger (because that is not what I've felt at the time) doesn't mean it won't come. People say don't criticize others if you can't criticize yourself, but that's all I've been doing. Getting on my case about what I've done wrong, and it's what you (plural) have emphasizing. I'm done owning myself, it's the only thing I've been doing. This is what I see:

You: who the fuck do you think you are. I know you are unbelievably smart and talented, and like everyone else there are flaws about you, but yours are enormous. I'm sick of the righteousness, and I'm sick of the inferiority you assume onto me. You act spoiled in the sense that you explode once things don't go your way and act as if there's some huge tumult of emotion that coincides with your obstacles. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. Regardless of whether you're smart or dumb, you're not humbled by any stretch of the imagination no matter how much you try to pretend and suppress that idea (that you are a genius). It's all pretend, and I've seen you swim in the pool of your "creative mastermind". Bitching artistically is perfectly acceptable in all mediums, but when you exaggerate with the form you've just become a little bitch. If you stopped taking yourself so fucking seriously you might be able to learn a little about yourself and stop applying very definite definitions on your character and life. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. You're the pseudo-mature fool I've grown to hate. First, you'll mold what you talk about/act like (like every other insecure bitch) to feign interest in a person you're trapping (in this certain case, the idiot was me). Then you bait them and use them as a means for attention when necessary. Fucking with people is unrespectable cause it makes you a leech. A leech for attention, while providing false hope for others. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. All you do is indulge. Indulge in fucking drugs and hanging out and clothes and stupid pictures online. You don't provide anything for anyone. It doesn't even matter if this "you" is a singular person anymore because "you" encompass so many others- so unoriginal. You're like some sort of fairy that just dances around guys acting like an idiot, and they want you for it. But you won't give, and why? It doesn't matter, you make them look bad, you exposure their desires, and you play them for it. It's not entertaining to watch. 

You: who the fuck do you think you are. You'll tell your side of the story, pretend to tell the other side of the story, and provide antics and appeal so everyone will side on your side. You'll tell them that you trust them and you don't tell others about whatever you're talking a bout, when it's obvious you do tell everyone. My friend knows so, you talk to us both and say the same things. You're not always right and we're not always going to be on your side. Your problems aren't always very real. Don't talk to me about them and leave. That's what a blog is for, fucker. 

I used to never feel like I could say fuck you to people due to the fact that I didn't know whether or not their problems/flaws were legitimate. But now I realize that many times they use it to their advantage to get away with things and have no intention to improve and hurt others because of it. And that's fucked, and I don't sympathize or empathize with it.

?

Wait, what do I do now? I don't have a drummer, my guitarist is leaving for mexico for the summer, and I'm here in school. FUCKING SHIT

I Go In Cycles

How can one be presumtuous enough to judge someone off of pictures and descriptions? Well I can, towards certain types of people. When people are attempting to be a certain way they naturally aren't (characteristically) in a subtle fashion, it can easily become much worse than if they were just straight forward with their intention. For some undisclosed, potentially fucked up reason, They tend to mold their pictures/profile on facebook (or any other social networking site) a certain way without seeming desperate or purposeful, it becomes the most desperate in reality (to me). Maybe I'm just straight up wrong to be so judgemental, but instinctual behavior may be life saving. Why am I talking about other people now? Cause I'm not really- it applies more to myself and how other people treat me...

For instance, James thinks I'm an idiot,  and this may be warranted in some regard- I've acted or said things that we're out of place or just straight up retarded around him, but in total, I'd have to disagree- I'm not an idiot. There's a difference between thinking something about someone before hand, and acting upon your presumption. He does the latter. Which makes him an asshole in this regard. Asshole.

Parker thinks that I'm intense and make absolute judgements and adhere to them. I asked him today if I snapped at him when I responded to his statement. He said yes. Regardless of whether or not the last part is true, the first observation isn't true, and I disagreed wholeheartedly- but I do acknowledge his second judgement- I might just one of the most intense people he's ever met. I do intense things not because I want to adhere to an absolute truth or belief, but because I am tired of acting passively. I'm calculative, so when the time comes to be active, I assume all responsibility of my action (if I chose to follow my judgement/calculation, if I don't lose my balls) and provide a decisive answer/responding action. Regardless, this answer isn't an absolute, as I'll state one more time. I'll always leave room for variance and flexibility, but if I want to get anywhere in terms of acting, I guess I may come off as explosive and absolute.

It's true that I'm usually inactive when it comes to doing things, but it's mainly because I don't do things gradually- or I do, but just in my head. What kind of examples could I provide regarding these things? I'm talking about my life here, and it's my blog- I'm allowing myself to be as abstract as possible. Another reason for this 'intensity' may be due to my tendency to snap even after gradual decline of positive emotion. In other words, I don't have to pent up emotion to snap (although it may aid in my snapping occasionally). Fortunately, I don't consider myself 'snappy'. 

Once again, who knows, these justifications I am making may be equally as bad as how my friends and enemies (goddamnit James) interpret these qualities I'm justifying. If I'm so convinced that I know so little, why would I even bother with explanations- or attempts at them? 1. Because I can and 2. Because it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, if everything is so subjective. My purpose is to find the ultimate balance and be able to live without leaning too heavily towards the extremes, belief wise. See, this in itself is an intense belief, in the sense that I'm behaving in a way that is affected by this logic, which is deductive but not absolute- so what do I do when I hate being wrong (or even just potentially wrong) about my judgments, and still end up with a belief that I don't know whether or not I should adhere to? I'll live with it and find out what ends up having the best result. Although I hate talking about life as one singular thing, I'd like to just for this one example: Life seems like a huge experiment, and the only thing you can do is reap the best positive results for yourself- even if those means are helping others, it is always reflected upon back to your own purpose- if you're human. I think. Goddamnit.

post

This is my first post in a while, but here I am for the two or three readers I have. I've felt crappy all the time while I'm around a particular someone; some phrases just hold more weight than others even if they were meant to be taken lightly, some things mean more than the sayer could possible imagine... So, I'll learn to not care again. It's not ignorance due to the fact that it's been thought over forever. I'm weak, things sway me much too easily.

Open

I've developed one singular, and as far as I have experienced or argued for, unfalsible philosophy. The philosophy to not believe in any absolutes, or philosophically at least. You may be thinking that this is an absolute in itself, but honestly, I'm taking a nihilistic approach to believing this in a sense. I'm not saying that this philosophy is correct, I'm just saying that it is the most effective philosophy that rids me of many other conceptual boundaries that would have halted my growth personally if I had believed in them (i.e, religion). 

The negative effect of this philosophy is the fact that I can't regard any events with any well established moral compass, but now that I think about it... I just changed my mind. I actually do think this is a good thing. I will refer to the question "would you kill one person to save a 1000?" to support my point. To most people, killing is morally wrong, and the thousand would die indirectly so it is not the cause of a direct action, thus making it more moral to allow the one to live. If I had an established moral compass, the only reason I wouldn't choose to kill the individual is because I would assume/be convinced in all sincerity that "killing is wrong". By adhering to this absolute belief, what happens is 1000 others die indirectly, not by your hand but by the judgment taken from an absolute belief. Wasting the potential of 1000 individuals would be astounding and selfish on the morally righteous person; adhering to your own beliefs that will lead to the demise of the 1000. 

If I stuck to a mode of philosophical or moral belief, the margin of error is unbelievably high- and although I am probably not going to do any better in my life by not adhering to a particular belief, I know I am not blindly basing all (or many) of my decisions off potentially (by potential I mean 50%) false beliefs. 

Of course, I am a hypocrite. It would be impossible for me to adhere to the belief fully. If I was placed in a room given a knife or gun with someone telling me to "kill this man, or else 1000 others would die", I doubt I would be able to kill the man. But I am willing to acknowledge that I was wrong by not doing so. 

Take 2, Life

Well, my level of motivation in all fields has slipped, so I'm trying to fix that. I am planning to work hard at many aspects of my life, even those that are seemingly unnecessary at this point, such as high school. By doing so, it'll increase my ability to do hard work, and I can channel this general 'trait' to other aspects of my life. This will inevitably make me feel better about myself.

What have I been doing?

For once I feel strongly about something, so I doubt there's a limit to how far I can go with this hypothesis/belief.

What I believe: I believe that the piano will become my primary instrument once I begin playing. I've been playing music for a few years, with the guitar as my primary instrument. I now realize that guitar is probably not my primary instrument. I've felt a very, very strong affinity/connection/whatever towards the piano recently, and although my favorite bands and musicians are not piano-based, I still feel just as compelled to excel at the instrument, and to give the piano an equal prominence in my music as the guitar.

REVELATION!!!

All Of A Sudden I Miss Everyone

I've lost alot of friends this year. The year where everybody is supposed to celebrate together. It's fallen into oblivion, and I may have done it to myself.

1. I told my friend that I would be joining a band with my other friends. His interpretation was that I betrayed him because I wasn't going to play music with him as a primary band. I told him I would still play music with him, but apparently this was not enough. Of course, he was the one who was pissed off at the time, and I just allowed him free space until he decided to talk to me again. He didn't.

2. This guy was my best friend. Through the 4-6 years we've gone through together, more thoughts, emotions and words have been exchanged than with any other person (and maybe even every other person combined). It may have been an overdue thing, but I changed, and he didn't. It seemed as if I was making the effort to hold the friendship together, and he repeatedly tore at the thin thread that was holding us together, that I constantly had to re-thread. I wasn't able to deal with it anymore. Extremely overdue? Possibly. Weakness? Maybe. Let's see how you would've dealt with a similar situation first.

3. This friend showed no sympathy around times of extreme distress. It was not his fault, and he was unable to understand through his seemingly unaffected life and undermining of others. Upon an instance of being bitched out, I blocked him on instant messenger, unblocked him occasionally, and allowed him to contact me if he wanted to. Like previous friend #1, he didn't.

4. This friend disappeared behind his own endeavors of greatness. Although it may have been just that, I feel as if I made it very clear to him that I had almost nobody left. Well, no efforts have been made to strengthen our friendship, and I feel as if I had attempted to in the past. This seeming unwillingness to do so felt unfair to me. I did not want to be the only one making an effort in the friendship. He may have potentially thought that it couldn't be so bad, seeing as if he has very few close to him as well as fares pretty well. Of course, there is a special individual he has which I do not have that is the difference between our worlds in terms of social interactions. This friendship has become very sparse.

I had six very important friends in my life. And now, three of them are no longer my friends, one of them has become very disconnected, and another is in New York.

Well, Well

Well, Stuart is leaving tomorrow. Stuart is leaving, and everything is going to go back to how it was Back to those mundane months, uninspired. It's not as if one person can be attributed to how things are from now on. But still. Everything is going to be the same. Repitition as a literary device is not even necessary to explain the scope of these things. It's not so insane, considering the fact that Stuart already left once before. Everyone leaves, but it just seems like these signifigant people leave sooner than I can believe? I don't even know anymore. I'm not going to break up over it, but I am probably going to be damn confused. Really damn confused...

Flying

Around 6 PM, I usually sit down and go on the computer. Whether I am being productive or unproductive, I always end up descending into a deep sorrow as the night goes on. Why does it feel as if my thoughts descend into such negativity? I think they are realizations. When I have time to relax and reflect upon my situation, day time activities are not there for me to burrow in. There isn't external stimulus that allows me to forget about my problems.  Everything that I experience at night is usually from within myself.

All Night

Tonight, I will not sleep. I will write on my contemplations.

12:26pm

I am currently severely irritated at various things. First of all, I don't understand how I could be so utterly disrespected. Having read a comment (on a friends blog) that was meant as a joke, I realized that it wasn't only a joke because of the affirmation in the argument we had. I argued on life experience vs. book knowledge and study-based knowledge. The social sciences and philosophies are infinitely applicable to life whereas the sciences and maths are beneficial toward the advancement of humanity. Both coexist, I realize, and the prior was completely disrespected on my behalf. I remember it being belittled. How can one of the most important factors of LIVING be belittled and disrespected? It really pissed me off. I remember it now, because of the condescending, joking manner in which the individual spoke to me with a few days ago. Maybe it's her normal tone? I hate it.

2:33

I am currently watching Superbad. It feels good to laugh.

3:23

Lost ability to contemplate. Tiredness = alot...

4:23

Will lie on bed...

Conclusion:

Fuck, I fell asleep. Experiment Incomplete.

Questions, Questions, Questions

Can you miss someone you've never met?

Perspective? Perception?

The glass is neither half empty or half full. It is not a matter of perception, because it is both. If a glass is filled to the middle, it is both half empty and half full. What else do I have to explain here? When referencing a perspective a person has on life (optimism v. pessimism) they're referring to a stupid belief or mindset. Yes, it is blatantly stupid for the following reasons: Optimists have one perspective, the positive one, whereas pessimists contain the negative ones. However, all situations have more than one side, so why can't we utilize both to initiate an action that would end up becoming the best possible solution? A critique might be that it leads to complete indecisiveness, but I disagree. Nothing is perfectly balanced in the middle, just like the glass of water. It is either a little bit more full or a little bit less full, and by weighing the factors which are most prominent, independent of these stupid perspectives, the most productive solution can be created.

Excellence

I wish cool people would appear more often. I mean, in Pokemon, pretty cool Pokemon appear all the time and you can just catch them and have them become your best friend. But with people, you can't even reason with them. They're not interested in talking to you. Even though they may be, looks of ill-will are focused towards you. Regardless, I am still going to live by this thought. I'm going to try and capture the hearts of some potential friends. Fuck Pokemon for getting my hopes up. Well, I can't say it's been completely bad. I've become closer with a friend and have made a new friend. Course, both of them are spectacular people too! Thanks for being here for me. I hope we can all succeed together.

Fuming? Or Venting?

I've dealt through my recently rough times with small pleasantries and a huge dreams, waiting for a product to come about. Although I have this in front of me, my avoidance of social interactions leaves me with a foreign feeling I have not had for a while. Loneliness. So, how do I alleviate this? By, well, that's secret ;)

I believe that people deal with situations in 3 possible ways. The first way is by determining an action on the shallowest level (i.e Bob punched me, and it hurt, so I'm going to punch him back). The second way is by determining the action off of thought and processing of the situation, and the context that it is placed in (i.e Bob punched me, and although it hurt, I did wrong him in the following ways, etc.). This method is also accompanied by psychology, taking in verifiable and generally agreed upon psychological theories. The third way, however, is complete bullshit which tons of people use. They go beyond both the first and second level, and use their philosophical, religious, or guesswork psychology to deal with social situations (i.e Bob punched me, but it was inevitable because our lives were laid out for us). Regardless of the belief (determinism, fatalism, nihilism) they are all founded on guesses and by putting your absolute trust in one of them is seemingly like putting all your trust in the hands of a stranger. Would you really act or justify beliefs solely because of nurtured faith? People do. People usually do when they have no justifications on the 1st and 2nd level, and thus go to the third level to justify themselves. So in other words, whenever it is convenient for them. In a sense, people always act nihilist and humanist until they are forced to bring upon their other set of beliefs upon convenience.

Cause =

Every possible thing any person could possibly say can be denied or debated against with an infinite number of abstract points. The stupidest part about those arguments is the fact that we all live in this world together, with modes of speech and behavior, to interact on the same level. If we use complete abstractions to argue against people and points they make, it has no application in this world. If I were to say that "the world is unbalanced emotionally, as proven in the crisis in Africa", someone could potentially say "no, the good is taken for granted and even kids in Darfur have equal happiness because their brief moments of happiness, in their eyes, are equal to events that we take for granted in our everyday lives (such as acquiring one meal in days)". I think that this is completely idealistic and completely stupid and untrue for multiple reasons. First of all, they cannot gauge how others feel. Secondly, the scale used to measure this is completely objective, making it so everything so BECOMES balanced with no mathematical evidence or even BASIS in experience. If such were true, nothing would need to be done. In context of what to do, and ideals, such concepts are useless and detrimental. There are dozens more that share the same belief sets. Alot of religious beliefs also stunt progress in the context in which we are living. It's truly unbelievable. Fucking ridiculous.

Hm

High emotional content pertaining to myself is not apparent in my life at all. However, anguishes of my friends have been voiced. I'm capable of heavy empathy and I can feel it. I'd like to help, but all I can do it sit here like Sigmund Freud, doing nothing but shit. It doesn't matter that much though. I believe in the hearts of my (even fewer) few friends. Well, I guess I do have a story to tell everybody. Here it goes, but be warned: It's more like a vent than anything else. (Warning: I do not mean to sound like an intellectual snob, but at the same time I'm not going through the trouble of thoroughly editing this. No pretentiousness should be present. Warn me if you smell it.)

I've disconnected myself from two of my best friends. Hm. I just don't feel good at all when I spend time with one of them, and I just haven't gotten motivation to spend time with the other. However, it is wholly not my fault. I've always been the 'guy who calls'. What if I don't want to call? They haven't called me to hang out either. It's not so one-sided. In fact, they probably hate me now. Why do you want to read about my personal life? Who knows. But this is not really for anybody except for myself. This is my vent. I realized...

I enjoy spending time with myself. Although I've lost motivation and inspiration due to doing nothing all day, I feel as though its about time for me to enjoy myself. Not be some emotional shit pile like I usually am. I've also always been high strung, and have found a surprising correlation: Me not hanging out with these friends = me not high strung. Maybe it is correlated, maybe it isn't. But I've felt much more insecure being associated with others all the time. Maybe it is fucked up for me to be neglecting my duties as a friend. Maybe its not. Honestly, I don't care. I don't feel like my friendships are currently balanced at the time and I've given a certain friend hundreds of chances and have explained how I felt about this an infinite number of times. I talk to my companions when I have problems with something, and they've bound to understand by now. Because they still haven't over several years, I can't feel secure around them anymore. So I am done.

The few friends I still have are unbelievable in every sense. They give me hope for humanity, expressing the potential someone can have. And its still growing. But at the same time, it makes me lose all hope in a different sense, considering the fact that I've only met such a few number of people this awesome). They are here for me, and I am here for them. They also have few friends, and that is why we are capable of being so tight-knit. It's strange. Somehow I've dealt with my old best friends even when they reeked their elitism into my face. These however, are the humblest I've ever seen and never make me feel lesser. They can understand and when they don't they will argue (with some basis). I can't stress it enough. I am heavily, heavily grateful.

I've become old in mentality. I don't care about maturity or immaturity, and I don't think its 'cool' to be mature or uncool to be 'immature'. All I care about is what doesn't hurt others, and it just seems like old people seem to care more. I think that people should do what they want to do as long as it doesn't detriment other existences. Hopefully they don't hurt themselves either, but I believe that it is better for someone to hurt themselves than others, because hurting yourself is completely up to you, whereas hurting others leaves them with some unknown external variable that they cannot control that will end up becoming their suffering. Some people are such trashes and have no consideration.

I believe that having extremely firm philosophical beliefs is ridiculous. I mean, by believing like fervently in any you are living to factors that are completely objective and possibly completely untrue. My belief is, in a sense, no belief at all. The belief that is completely open. Stuart said I am philosophically and religiously agnostic. How could I be any other way?

Hm, other things... my band is beginning to cohere together.
My drummer is awesome. We have extreme focusing abilities and I thoroughly enjoy working with him. We motivate each other to improve, and develop our own styles. We are working to become tighter and tighter, sound-wise and friend-wise. This may be an awfully jinx-worthy thing to say, but I think we sound pretty special. Somewhat unique. Gasp. I hope to be able to make it into the real music world with my band, Travis' band, and Stuart's future band together.