All Of A Sudden I Miss Everyone

I've lost alot of friends this year. The year where everybody is supposed to celebrate together. It's fallen into oblivion, and I may have done it to myself.

1. I told my friend that I would be joining a band with my other friends. His interpretation was that I betrayed him because I wasn't going to play music with him as a primary band. I told him I would still play music with him, but apparently this was not enough. Of course, he was the one who was pissed off at the time, and I just allowed him free space until he decided to talk to me again. He didn't.

2. This guy was my best friend. Through the 4-6 years we've gone through together, more thoughts, emotions and words have been exchanged than with any other person (and maybe even every other person combined). It may have been an overdue thing, but I changed, and he didn't. It seemed as if I was making the effort to hold the friendship together, and he repeatedly tore at the thin thread that was holding us together, that I constantly had to re-thread. I wasn't able to deal with it anymore. Extremely overdue? Possibly. Weakness? Maybe. Let's see how you would've dealt with a similar situation first.

3. This friend showed no sympathy around times of extreme distress. It was not his fault, and he was unable to understand through his seemingly unaffected life and undermining of others. Upon an instance of being bitched out, I blocked him on instant messenger, unblocked him occasionally, and allowed him to contact me if he wanted to. Like previous friend #1, he didn't.

4. This friend disappeared behind his own endeavors of greatness. Although it may have been just that, I feel as if I made it very clear to him that I had almost nobody left. Well, no efforts have been made to strengthen our friendship, and I feel as if I had attempted to in the past. This seeming unwillingness to do so felt unfair to me. I did not want to be the only one making an effort in the friendship. He may have potentially thought that it couldn't be so bad, seeing as if he has very few close to him as well as fares pretty well. Of course, there is a special individual he has which I do not have that is the difference between our worlds in terms of social interactions. This friendship has become very sparse.

I had six very important friends in my life. And now, three of them are no longer my friends, one of them has become very disconnected, and another is in New York.

Constructions

While writing new material for my future EP, I realized something drastic- my vocals suck. Goddammit. This is too troublesome.

Well...

It doesn't matter what I say now. I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel like expressing these thoughts in the form of a song right now, because I'm thoroughly discontent with my songwriting abilities. I'm getting better, but for now, I need a serious break. I'm going to be frank, and it's going to be discomforting. I'm a teenager, and I'm aware of the fact that in a few weeks, I'll look back at this post and pity myself for being such an idiot; grammatically and emotionally. Well, I might as well get started.

I've gotten accustomed to what I had this summer, and thorougly enjoyed it. However, while attempting to improve musically, I attempted to 'shift' my musical style, and by doing so, I've encountered many obstacles. It made me doubt my capacity and creative output. Through this I quickly spiraled into discontent. Not depression, but a regular dose of sadness. Seems like these things just follow each other. Later, I went to Japantown (which is great by the way) and, of course, I saw alot of girls. (p.s I realized that when a girl looks at you for a while and looks away real fast it can mean two things: either she is attracted to you and is flushing, or she is embarassed that she looked at you because she found you unattractive). Many of which I should've talked to, but didn't. Obviously, I'm an idiot. It only made me feel lonely. Whenever I see a girl that I want to talk to, I always shift into their 1st person perpective and immediately think that I would be rejected due to the very fact that I was essentially some creeper with an unknown goal in mind. I always think, "what am I going to say, anyways?". To tell you the truth, I don't have anything to say. "Hey" or "I like what you're wearing"... all these phrases make me feel like an idiot, and I don't know how people ever get away with it. Anyways, it's not like that. It's not how I feel at all.

I'm just lonely, and I don't know what I want to do with myself. I want to share my feelings with someone who goes beyond a friend in terms of the type of 'intimacy' between a relationship relationship and a friendship relationship. I just want be able to have everything I have with my friends: intelligent conversations, idiotic conversations, hilarious conversations and great times. A type of alleviation and content different from all the others. I want to share and provide and recieve what I am capable of giving.

Girls can't see guys in such a positive light, and they seem incapable of knowing what a nice guy is. I don't blame them at all. Why would I be any different from the majority, anyways? To be able to go up to them ( the girl ) shows them that I have some level of confidence, but what is my purpose? It couldn't be good, could it? Of course not", they would think. I can't seem to get across this negative thinking, and I know that in these scenarios, most people aren't as negative as I would be and at least 40% of the time give me a chance. So why don't I act? Cause I'm a fucking idiot. Does it seem like I would prefer to have a real relationship, or continue my sad, whiny bitching? Of course I'd rather have a relationship.

I don't want to be a generic sensitive guy, cause I'm not. I'm realistic.

Ergh......

I guess I'll make a list of words to tell you how I feel, and why.

Self-depreciating- Even though this isn't one word, I'm gonna use it anyways. I've recently been self depreciating cause for some strange reason, all I've recently seen are my flaws...

Frustrated- Cause I just can't step out of my self-depreciation and live life. I'm also frustrated because of my inability to do what I want to do correctly.

Mopey- Frustration leads to mopeyness...

Inspired- Fuck this! Self-depreciation makes me want to write a song. I'll see you later; hopefully my next post will be a recording of my new song.