What have I been doing?

For once I feel strongly about something, so I doubt there's a limit to how far I can go with this hypothesis/belief.

What I believe: I believe that the piano will become my primary instrument once I begin playing. I've been playing music for a few years, with the guitar as my primary instrument. I now realize that guitar is probably not my primary instrument. I've felt a very, very strong affinity/connection/whatever towards the piano recently, and although my favorite bands and musicians are not piano-based, I still feel just as compelled to excel at the instrument, and to give the piano an equal prominence in my music as the guitar.

REVELATION!!!

Hm

High emotional content pertaining to myself is not apparent in my life at all. However, anguishes of my friends have been voiced. I'm capable of heavy empathy and I can feel it. I'd like to help, but all I can do it sit here like Sigmund Freud, doing nothing but shit. It doesn't matter that much though. I believe in the hearts of my (even fewer) few friends. Well, I guess I do have a story to tell everybody. Here it goes, but be warned: It's more like a vent than anything else. (Warning: I do not mean to sound like an intellectual snob, but at the same time I'm not going through the trouble of thoroughly editing this. No pretentiousness should be present. Warn me if you smell it.)

I've disconnected myself from two of my best friends. Hm. I just don't feel good at all when I spend time with one of them, and I just haven't gotten motivation to spend time with the other. However, it is wholly not my fault. I've always been the 'guy who calls'. What if I don't want to call? They haven't called me to hang out either. It's not so one-sided. In fact, they probably hate me now. Why do you want to read about my personal life? Who knows. But this is not really for anybody except for myself. This is my vent. I realized...

I enjoy spending time with myself. Although I've lost motivation and inspiration due to doing nothing all day, I feel as though its about time for me to enjoy myself. Not be some emotional shit pile like I usually am. I've also always been high strung, and have found a surprising correlation: Me not hanging out with these friends = me not high strung. Maybe it is correlated, maybe it isn't. But I've felt much more insecure being associated with others all the time. Maybe it is fucked up for me to be neglecting my duties as a friend. Maybe its not. Honestly, I don't care. I don't feel like my friendships are currently balanced at the time and I've given a certain friend hundreds of chances and have explained how I felt about this an infinite number of times. I talk to my companions when I have problems with something, and they've bound to understand by now. Because they still haven't over several years, I can't feel secure around them anymore. So I am done.

The few friends I still have are unbelievable in every sense. They give me hope for humanity, expressing the potential someone can have. And its still growing. But at the same time, it makes me lose all hope in a different sense, considering the fact that I've only met such a few number of people this awesome). They are here for me, and I am here for them. They also have few friends, and that is why we are capable of being so tight-knit. It's strange. Somehow I've dealt with my old best friends even when they reeked their elitism into my face. These however, are the humblest I've ever seen and never make me feel lesser. They can understand and when they don't they will argue (with some basis). I can't stress it enough. I am heavily, heavily grateful.

I've become old in mentality. I don't care about maturity or immaturity, and I don't think its 'cool' to be mature or uncool to be 'immature'. All I care about is what doesn't hurt others, and it just seems like old people seem to care more. I think that people should do what they want to do as long as it doesn't detriment other existences. Hopefully they don't hurt themselves either, but I believe that it is better for someone to hurt themselves than others, because hurting yourself is completely up to you, whereas hurting others leaves them with some unknown external variable that they cannot control that will end up becoming their suffering. Some people are such trashes and have no consideration.

I believe that having extremely firm philosophical beliefs is ridiculous. I mean, by believing like fervently in any you are living to factors that are completely objective and possibly completely untrue. My belief is, in a sense, no belief at all. The belief that is completely open. Stuart said I am philosophically and religiously agnostic. How could I be any other way?

Hm, other things... my band is beginning to cohere together.
My drummer is awesome. We have extreme focusing abilities and I thoroughly enjoy working with him. We motivate each other to improve, and develop our own styles. We are working to become tighter and tighter, sound-wise and friend-wise. This may be an awfully jinx-worthy thing to say, but I think we sound pretty special. Somewhat unique. Gasp. I hope to be able to make it into the real music world with my band, Travis' band, and Stuart's future band together.

Sound

"Hopefully, since I wrote all the songs and have designed the album with simple, yet lush psychedelic-ness in mind, it will sound like The Mattresses. I think it will."

-Travis

It made me think of my own music. What am I? What would I sound like? I used to think that my (complete) sound would be reminiscent of some sort of lush soundscaped post rock band with vocalized parts of awesomeness full of reverby goodness and melody, combined with acoustic guitar, but its different now. Now, I think that my sound could be characterized by sonic harshness in combination with ambience and melodic intervals filled with piano and distorted synth. Unlike Travis, what I plan is never what I get. So I just make the most out of what I do get. And put noise on top of it.

My Reason

My friend wants me to contribute in the band in terms of songwriting. I don't want to because I believe that my sound couldn't possibly combine with Parker's style, and even with a collaborative effort, my sound would change. That is not what I'm currently looking for. He told me that because we're in high school, it's very unlikely that anything we make now is going to be produced. I disagree because I don't think that the gap between the age of 16/17-19 is that great. Let me explain. At the age of 19, great bands and musicians of all styles entered the music world with well defined, professional music. I'm just creating a definition of my personal sound that I can keep as I continue improving. Another reason he wants me to contribute is so we could all get band experience. I believe that we can still do that with our individual instrument playing roles.

Constructions

While writing new material for my future EP, I realized something drastic- my vocals suck. Goddammit. This is too troublesome.

Expression

Music is great for personal expression. In fact, my main goal is to accessibly express myself through music. However, something strange struck me. I realized that whenever I feel completely horrible, through guilt, sadness, or any other extremely negative emotion, I feel sick whenever I even attempt to do anything. Including guitar playing and song writing.

I guess i'll have to work on that...

Writer Block

Writers block is a terrible thing. It's almost a feeling. It's the feeling of blanks coming out of your mouth. With eagerness to yell or write about more, you can't. On Writers Block, you can't even write about the terribleness of it due to inability to iterate the words all. If you're able to write about writers block, then you don't have it. It's just an impossible thing to get around...