i'm not writing on you anymore, fuck that
later!
2 days ago
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wall
Yesterday I got in an argument with a friend of mine. Not a good friend, but we get along. Regardless I know there are many interactions I can't have with this guy.
1. Argument. With argument, any hope is lost and frustration erupts in every direction because he will get easily frustrated and give up and commence with the concept that either 'it's not important' or 'you will not get it'.
2. Anything regarding his behavior. He can get annoying at many times, and if I were to address this, he would most likely get defensive.
Later, I told another friend what our argument was about. I got a response here and there, but received no real advice. After I completed a lengthy and conclusive message, the response I got was regarding her own personal life. I found this to be depressing because it was so in character for her to talk about her own life when I was trying to tell her something that I considered important and was already in the middle of. In this example, I wanted to tell her how I felt- that she was self centered and that it's happened many times before. Once again I realized I had limitations and that she was another person who wouldn't accept a confrontational method. I have tried before.
Recently I've been direct and stated obviously mean or unfair things people have been doing to myself or others. On two accounts my confrontational method has failed entirely. I realized that it only works towards fairly self aware people. My relationships with my 'unaware acquaintences' create a lot of tension on my part because at least 20-30% of these 'friendships' I keep with these people are based upon restriction.
The problem I have with this is a lot of people don't have enough self awareness and need indirect means of altering their behavior. This is upsetting to me because it causes me to believe that this is the cause of the severe potential barrier. I believe to be able to succeed above and beyond in any field requires a self awareness of one's abilities and consciousness of their entire character and aspects that hold them back. If someone is unable to comprehend themselves and their capacity as a person and artist/doctor/musician/researcher/insert talent here how could they maximize their potential?
Fuck that.
1. Argument. With argument, any hope is lost and frustration erupts in every direction because he will get easily frustrated and give up and commence with the concept that either 'it's not important' or 'you will not get it'.
2. Anything regarding his behavior. He can get annoying at many times, and if I were to address this, he would most likely get defensive.
Later, I told another friend what our argument was about. I got a response here and there, but received no real advice. After I completed a lengthy and conclusive message, the response I got was regarding her own personal life. I found this to be depressing because it was so in character for her to talk about her own life when I was trying to tell her something that I considered important and was already in the middle of. In this example, I wanted to tell her how I felt- that she was self centered and that it's happened many times before. Once again I realized I had limitations and that she was another person who wouldn't accept a confrontational method. I have tried before.
Recently I've been direct and stated obviously mean or unfair things people have been doing to myself or others. On two accounts my confrontational method has failed entirely. I realized that it only works towards fairly self aware people. My relationships with my 'unaware acquaintences' create a lot of tension on my part because at least 20-30% of these 'friendships' I keep with these people are based upon restriction.
The problem I have with this is a lot of people don't have enough self awareness and need indirect means of altering their behavior. This is upsetting to me because it causes me to believe that this is the cause of the severe potential barrier. I believe to be able to succeed above and beyond in any field requires a self awareness of one's abilities and consciousness of their entire character and aspects that hold them back. If someone is unable to comprehend themselves and their capacity as a person and artist/doctor/musician/researcher/insert talent here how could they maximize their potential?
Fuck that.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Renew
I haven't posted in ages, but that is okay. I'm going to explode all over this post within the next 27 minutes (the amt of battery I have left on this laptop).
School is essentially over. We have finals week, then graduation on Friday. To me, finals week is not even a real week. I haven't had too many good friends over the course of high school, and hardly participated in any extracurricular or academic endeavors strongly, but everything I've fucked up in ended up creating more than I could ever hope for. Although I know my talent is very controversial (in the sense that it could be greatly appreciated or disliked), I appreciate it for being a talent that I can pursue without grimacing or bitching. My state of mind is not totally secure at the moment, but I can feel strongly and realistically about all of this for at least the next week and the week after graduation.
Getting a job only solidifies my existence outside of high school. The entire concept of saving money to live on your own stems from money. Although the saying "money isn't everything" is metaphorical, it's true in the literal sense. If you'd like to pursue your goals, you need money to live on your own, buy materials (art, music, academic etc.) and invest (in the bank or in your future). The core of needing money to pursue any goal is not depressing to me because it generally doesn't alter the outcome of many peoples growth including myself (unless severely disadvantaged from birth). Still there are success stories from those types and I believe in them, because they are usually the most inspiring and 'real' out of all.
This day has allowed me to recognize my faults and my commendable traits. I realized that I'm not a kid anymore and the things I do hold weight to not only myself but those around me. I'm not saying that because of the graduation taking place so soon, but the concept of everyone leaving, and me having to start from scratch with this matter. This post is unbelievably cathartic although convoluted. I must restate once again that I am not in a stable mindset.
The future is ours and fucking up immensely will usually lead to epic successes. I will be grateful for all these. Some particular people I know are going to make some change in their respective fields. I hope to become one of them, but I cannot have absolute confidence in this because 1. I am not egotistical enough and 2. I am realistic. I save my realism for myself and hope for others. If anybody needs to be truthful, it's one towards him/herself.
We'll live and during these times of acceptance (more so than ever before) we are actually more free to pursue different goals. I just hope that everyone is willing to risk as much as possible to achieve them. Failure is imminent if risks are canceled out and disregarded completely. But as people grow up I believe that they have the understanding that there is not other way to go. At least the smart ones. I hope my many of my friends are those people, or will become those people. I am going to try hard- much harder than I am now. I will live hard and hopefully die hard.
To reach people you have to live beyond race and culture. I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER. I HOPE WE WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL TOGETHER. NO EXAGGERATIONS. I HAVE HOPE. AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS. SOMETIMES LOGIC NEEDS TO BE THROWN ASIDE.
School is essentially over. We have finals week, then graduation on Friday. To me, finals week is not even a real week. I haven't had too many good friends over the course of high school, and hardly participated in any extracurricular or academic endeavors strongly, but everything I've fucked up in ended up creating more than I could ever hope for. Although I know my talent is very controversial (in the sense that it could be greatly appreciated or disliked), I appreciate it for being a talent that I can pursue without grimacing or bitching. My state of mind is not totally secure at the moment, but I can feel strongly and realistically about all of this for at least the next week and the week after graduation.
Getting a job only solidifies my existence outside of high school. The entire concept of saving money to live on your own stems from money. Although the saying "money isn't everything" is metaphorical, it's true in the literal sense. If you'd like to pursue your goals, you need money to live on your own, buy materials (art, music, academic etc.) and invest (in the bank or in your future). The core of needing money to pursue any goal is not depressing to me because it generally doesn't alter the outcome of many peoples growth including myself (unless severely disadvantaged from birth). Still there are success stories from those types and I believe in them, because they are usually the most inspiring and 'real' out of all.
This day has allowed me to recognize my faults and my commendable traits. I realized that I'm not a kid anymore and the things I do hold weight to not only myself but those around me. I'm not saying that because of the graduation taking place so soon, but the concept of everyone leaving, and me having to start from scratch with this matter. This post is unbelievably cathartic although convoluted. I must restate once again that I am not in a stable mindset.
The future is ours and fucking up immensely will usually lead to epic successes. I will be grateful for all these. Some particular people I know are going to make some change in their respective fields. I hope to become one of them, but I cannot have absolute confidence in this because 1. I am not egotistical enough and 2. I am realistic. I save my realism for myself and hope for others. If anybody needs to be truthful, it's one towards him/herself.
We'll live and during these times of acceptance (more so than ever before) we are actually more free to pursue different goals. I just hope that everyone is willing to risk as much as possible to achieve them. Failure is imminent if risks are canceled out and disregarded completely. But as people grow up I believe that they have the understanding that there is not other way to go. At least the smart ones. I hope my many of my friends are those people, or will become those people. I am going to try hard- much harder than I am now. I will live hard and hopefully die hard.
To reach people you have to live beyond race and culture. I HOPE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER. I HOPE WE WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL TOGETHER. NO EXAGGERATIONS. I HAVE HOPE. AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS. SOMETIMES LOGIC NEEDS TO BE THROWN ASIDE.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Look,
I don't care if you lie to increase your odds of obtaining the job. But realize this: I am going to destroy you in the interview. I actually need it (more than you) regardless of whether or not you believe I do or not. Plus, I will not blow it all on sushi.
I'm just insecure.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Weekend
Although the weekend is a time for rest, I've been so extraordinarily lazy and useless in the past several weeks that I dread the weekends. I've gone out of a practicing groove, which I definetely need to get back into. First step would be to turn off the computer except for the following purposes: 1. Downloading music 2. Reading Comics 3. Checking Email 4. Blogging. I look forward to the next week, solely for school- and why? Cause I want something to fill up my time so I don't waste it doing the same repetitive things on the computer. This shouldn't be happening, so that's where my No Computer Except For The Following Activities initiation takes place.
Here's a story.
In the past, I have blogged about how people don't approach each other in high school and thus lose many oppurtunities to make friends and meet people they thought that they could become acquainted with. I felt this way as well. I wasn't comfortable with approaching random people because nobody did it; I had no vantage point or real life experience that could aid me to do something like this (indie movies DO NOT count as real life experiences).
But I became desperate. In my desperation, I developed courage. Though I had the courage to talk to this certain random girl, I did not have the confidence and my delivery was shaky. But the point is, I did something that practically nobody on the face of the planet would do in High School. I did it!
It took me an entire week to sum up the courage. I didn't miss the first oppurtunity I got. I was walking out of the Attendance Office, where I spotted her.
I CAN'T DO IT
I thought to myself as I walked towards the Library. I made a right turn, where I sat on the floor in front of Mr. Browns classroom. She walked into the library, and I was greeted by Nate, who just came out of the library. I said hi and I told him how I needed to talk to this random girl, and how I didn't have the balls. Somewhere along these lines I developed the balls again. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by Stanley, urging me on to convert my bike into a fixie. I ignored him and started walking into the Library, with conviction.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
I kept on walking, and into the Library I went. I thought I could do it, but once again I didn't have the courage. So I stood for a while until I noticed Stanley again.
"Do it. Do it!" He said, referring to his bike conversion idea.
Not paying any attention to him, the words were urging me on to do something else. Still I didn't do it, so I just sat in a chair by a table ater the bell rung. After careful analysis I realized that she was the librarians aid. It was hilarious to me because she was such a shy, librarian chick type already. At this point, it was too late for escape. She started pushing the chairs back towards the desks, scattered everywhere by carefree 3rd period class. These were the desks by which I was sitting.
"Do you need any help?"
"No, thanks though" She said, smiling. I didn't expect anyone to be uncomfortable with the fact that someone was offering help. Maybe it was because I was a guy. I don't think guys try to talk to her or anything.
"Wait- could I talk to you real quick?"
I stood up, and walked up to her. At this point, I couldn't go back. My fear skyrocketted. I was sinking inside of my head. But it was too late. I already-
"Uh.. I know that I don't know you... and you don't know me, but... I'd really regret it if I didn't talk to you at all... and I was wondering if you wanted to, uh, get lunch sometime"
I'm pretty sure I sounded awkward. And I'm positive that my voice was shaking. This was more expected than what came afterwards.
"Uhm... I don't know... no thanks... It was nice of you to ask...".
It wasn't the result that baffled me. It was the delivery. Her voice was shaking harder than I was , and she was redder than I could ever become... How do people become this shy? Or did I really do something that outrageous?
I don't think I'm giving it up yet.
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