Anxiety

I have severe anxiety whenever I travel somewhere I'm not prepared for. I guess I'm a pansy in that sense. Before my trip over this weekend, I didn't recognize it as me just being a pansy, and constantly attempted to barrage myself with paranoid thoughts of what I could be doing wrong or how messed up I am, with no apparent basis except for my eruptions of random, sick imageries. These "messed-up" things are essentially the plagues of anyone's (including my own) moral standards set by society and themselves, which any person would be afraid of. During these times, I am also afraid of being gay, but I don't think this has to do with the fear of being 'gay' in itself, but rather because of my inability to understand what I am (I will explain later). I initially believed that I may have been utterly repressed and had extremely sick desires, but at the same time, I feel disgusted to the point of clamminess and nauseousness. I realized that I didn't need to deny nor repress any further, because no repressing had be done in the first place.

I will now explain why. When I am severely anxious, I consciously and subconsciously create possibilities as to why I could be feeling this way, and create imagery in my mind (a mixture of subconscious and conscious projection) to "justify" my anxiety, when it is merely my chemical response towards my inability to adapt to different environments over elongated periods of time (after a certain while, say 3 days or so it gets better). I do this because I know that I have traits of rationality and a 'need' for understanding. As I stated earlier, I didn't realize that this was merely my 'homesickness'. By doing so, I made myself feel more fear and more anxiety, which in response made me question whether or not I was repressing them (if they were desires) or just sickened by them (as consciously/subconsciously created imagery). However, by being rational I wasn't one to deny these sick potentially repressed desires immediately. I had some respect towards psychoanalysis and other psychological approaches and attempted to understand my situation instead of ignoring it and letting it pass (as it usually does). Conclusively I realized that 1. they were not my repressed desires and 2. I was sickened. I will explain how I recognized that I was not repressed in the following paragraph.

As I said earlier, my main fear during these times of anxiety was that I was repressed, and at heart and in my nature, I was truly the type of person who would harm everyone around me in every criminal way imaginable. My experience is similar to this: Immediately after I return home or spend a decent amount of time away from home, it goes away and these disturbances cease to exist in entirety. In my normal non-anxious, non-hysteric life I always stress self-improvement towards myself and everyday living because I want the best for my friends, family and myself and would do everything possible to prevent myself from ever hurting them. (No, I do not change due to the fact that I realize these imageries are sick, because I tend to forget them entirely when operating in my everyday life. They are also not a product of my subconscious reminding me and prompting me want to self improve either, because I have very emotionally moving, conscious experiences that have motivated me to change). I've come to realize that I am not repressed, because these are my true feelings developed throughout my life. In everyday life, I never think about my paranoia's, and have never exhibited any behavior or random emotions (anger, depression, sadness) that expresses my would-be repressed feelings (as far as my friends and I are concerned). I don't hide anything from my friends, besides for my anxiety, which I have now explained to everyone. This is my conclusion, but I still feel horrible.

I can't seem to consciously remove my instantaneous eruption of anxiety and paranoia. I don't deserve this.