The Usual

Although it seems as though I know what I want to do in the future, my clear view can be shattered by so many unknown variables. Still, I follow through and live through life, watching as everybody claw through their college applications , while I sit here telling myself, "I should at least be practicing my music". I don't want my music to become an excuse for my laziness. I want to work as hard or harder for my music as people do for those things that they dislike so greatly, because they are able to see what they will achieve in the future. I see what I can achieve in the future as well. Still, I have not done anything, and I feel terrible for it. I am the invisible force that is holding myself back from obtaining my potential. There is nothing I need to say! All I have to do is, well, continue my practice regime and emotionally stimulate myself.

It seems easy, but unlike school work, or college applications, the neutrality of my moods and life and interactions are destroying my inspiration. The bleakness is not something that inspires me to write. Instead, it inspires me to sit here, writing. Writing and writing, but not songs. Just these words that don't mean anything. All of these words that very few people will read.

I'd like to fantasize of what I cannot have, but as I have learned, this is not the solution. Instead, I need to go out and obtain what I fantasize about. I'd just like to sit inside of a room or store or cafe with somebody special, and play my guitar or just talk. It does not necessarily need to be deep, or profound at all. I just want that warmth of somebody being there for you. The mutual feelings that occur and create the deepest connection without words. The contrast of rain from the outside world to the warmth of your inner world is all I ask for, and I understand that it is too much to ask for. And who is this person that I am going to ask? Myself. I'm going to ask myself to go out there, and seek out this scenario, instead of waiting; thinking that something will provide this for me. I don't have strong beliefs about philosophical or worldly concepts, but I do believe that I have more power (than I give myself credit for) to change things... as I've experienced it before.