I encountered who I'd assume would be one of the most gorgeous people I have ever laid my eyes across, on the INTERNET. Needless to say, the internet is THE king of lies and deception; but cut me some slack for this one occasion. Considering that this is someone that off of first impressions is one of the most gorgeous people ever, I can only say that she is, by proxy unattainable to me. And in reality, there exists people like this and it's undeniable. Look at John Lennon, look at Bjork, look at Cat Power. I recognize that in order to interact with the 'top' of ANYTHING, whether it be the most talented musicians, artists, computer programmers or most attractive people, you have to be at the top yourself.
Personally, I'm not working hard enough to be at the top. I'd consider myself pretty hardworking, but there are enough people that are as hardworking as I am, and I need to be more than that to reach the top; the top is not only for petty things such as achieving success with women who would be considered the 'top', but for self-enrichment and knowledge. Knowing this, the most amazing aspect of the process is the fact that all these elements can theoretically go hand in hand, which is what I am trying to obtain. It's been said a thousand times, but even if you have natural talent, you're not going to reach your potentially without putting the hours in.
Having said this, the current top that I am pursuing is, unfortunately, the most beautiful women. This girl in particular that I am talking about is not only incredibly beautiful but is seemingly interesting and smart. Let's not consider that I found her online-- remember that we are well aware that people like this exist in reality, and in this point in time, I have no chance. It is the concept that destroys me, and a concept that I am willing to suffer for until I can obtain it.
WHY do I want to have a chance based on LOOKS? I am blinded; if a substantially less attractive person had the exact same personality, I would not be remotely phased. It's a matter of shallowness.
A justification for my behavior, however, would be my interest in the synergy of all forms of beauty: both looks, character and accomplishments, which are brought upon by character (passion and dedication seem vital for accomplishments, will talk about this another time). Why are looks important in any sense when they aren't dictated by hard work or talent? Hard work and talent aren't much less of a natural occurrence as appearance I realized recently. Although we praise talent and hard work, people who are talented or work hard have situational or natural tendencies to work harder (an extension of this theme is determinism, and my conclusion on it: although it seems to exist, we are under the guise that it doesn't and can only act as if it doesn't). However, the difference between using this argument towards life and towards physical appearance are two entire stories.
In life, we CANNOT cease to act as if we aren't in control of our actions. We do not have the conscious ability to stop our brains from thinking this. However, with physical appearance, we naturally appreciate it, and are taught to appreciate hard work and talent, but because I know believe that they are both naturally occurring and have little to do with the externally developed merit of the individual (I sound like a fucking douche bag I never hold these destructive, fatalistic theories) I feel justified in appreciating physical appearance.
If I can appreciate a naturally occurring musical genius, I should be equally able to appreciate naturally beautiful appearance. Shallowness is merely an extension on this theme; it raises the issue of whether or not WHICH naturally occurring appearances I deem attractive should matter.
Honestly, I believe that my judgment in appearance is on par with my judgment of the arts: I understand why I like certain aspects of the medium, but it is still culturally influenced and affects by understanding. Yes, I could easily think someone is more beautiful because of their character, but those who carry both are the most beautiful and crush my heart with the here thought of them. Radiohead would be my musical parallel to having both visual beauty and character, Lightning Bolt would be solely character, and perhaps Baths would be predominantly visual beauty; as demonstrated, all three work, but only when character and visual appearance (or auditory appearance) combine do they form something much more beautiful than one or the other. I do think that character holds far more depth than looks, but looks are an incredibly significant factor in the overall presentation of the medium.
In regards to myself, I consider myself a normal looking guy (i'm not going to state whether I think i'm good or bad looking), so I need to fortify my character and my accomplishments in order to match the attractiveness of any potential partners I encounter.
Having said this, I am fucking dying. I am motherfucking dying. I see these beautiful people, with their looks, and their accomplishments, and I strive to be one of them. I am motivated, I may have the talent, and I may be working towards it at the very moment, but TIME moves slower than I'd believe is possible, and faster for all the wrong things. Time is perceived in a paradox: good times go faster, bad times go slower. There is a school of thought that stresses that the present is all we have and we need to live in the moment to truly appreciate and experience life. I can believe it. But I'm not enlightened. The reason I think it is so difficult is because I see these people. I see these people who are so fucking beautiful, who have aged and molded their experiences into themselves in conjunction with their appearance, and I think: how can I enjoy myself, if that is something that I can become? Because I have hope in the endeavor of becoming one, in the present, I feel worse than ever.
What I want is not proportionate to who I am. The minuscule gap of in the window of hope left my mind open to imagine that I had a figment of a chance with the girl. I am so angry, and so disdained, and so motivated, but I don't feel any positivity although I am taking what seems like the most logical approach-- to work for what I want for. Maybe it really is unattainable. Or maybe I just don't know what I want. My soul is getting crushed.
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