Hm

High emotional content pertaining to myself is not apparent in my life at all. However, anguishes of my friends have been voiced. I'm capable of heavy empathy and I can feel it. I'd like to help, but all I can do it sit here like Sigmund Freud, doing nothing but shit. It doesn't matter that much though. I believe in the hearts of my (even fewer) few friends. Well, I guess I do have a story to tell everybody. Here it goes, but be warned: It's more like a vent than anything else. (Warning: I do not mean to sound like an intellectual snob, but at the same time I'm not going through the trouble of thoroughly editing this. No pretentiousness should be present. Warn me if you smell it.)

I've disconnected myself from two of my best friends. Hm. I just don't feel good at all when I spend time with one of them, and I just haven't gotten motivation to spend time with the other. However, it is wholly not my fault. I've always been the 'guy who calls'. What if I don't want to call? They haven't called me to hang out either. It's not so one-sided. In fact, they probably hate me now. Why do you want to read about my personal life? Who knows. But this is not really for anybody except for myself. This is my vent. I realized...

I enjoy spending time with myself. Although I've lost motivation and inspiration due to doing nothing all day, I feel as though its about time for me to enjoy myself. Not be some emotional shit pile like I usually am. I've also always been high strung, and have found a surprising correlation: Me not hanging out with these friends = me not high strung. Maybe it is correlated, maybe it isn't. But I've felt much more insecure being associated with others all the time. Maybe it is fucked up for me to be neglecting my duties as a friend. Maybe its not. Honestly, I don't care. I don't feel like my friendships are currently balanced at the time and I've given a certain friend hundreds of chances and have explained how I felt about this an infinite number of times. I talk to my companions when I have problems with something, and they've bound to understand by now. Because they still haven't over several years, I can't feel secure around them anymore. So I am done.

The few friends I still have are unbelievable in every sense. They give me hope for humanity, expressing the potential someone can have. And its still growing. But at the same time, it makes me lose all hope in a different sense, considering the fact that I've only met such a few number of people this awesome). They are here for me, and I am here for them. They also have few friends, and that is why we are capable of being so tight-knit. It's strange. Somehow I've dealt with my old best friends even when they reeked their elitism into my face. These however, are the humblest I've ever seen and never make me feel lesser. They can understand and when they don't they will argue (with some basis). I can't stress it enough. I am heavily, heavily grateful.

I've become old in mentality. I don't care about maturity or immaturity, and I don't think its 'cool' to be mature or uncool to be 'immature'. All I care about is what doesn't hurt others, and it just seems like old people seem to care more. I think that people should do what they want to do as long as it doesn't detriment other existences. Hopefully they don't hurt themselves either, but I believe that it is better for someone to hurt themselves than others, because hurting yourself is completely up to you, whereas hurting others leaves them with some unknown external variable that they cannot control that will end up becoming their suffering. Some people are such trashes and have no consideration.

I believe that having extremely firm philosophical beliefs is ridiculous. I mean, by believing like fervently in any you are living to factors that are completely objective and possibly completely untrue. My belief is, in a sense, no belief at all. The belief that is completely open. Stuart said I am philosophically and religiously agnostic. How could I be any other way?

Hm, other things... my band is beginning to cohere together.
My drummer is awesome. We have extreme focusing abilities and I thoroughly enjoy working with him. We motivate each other to improve, and develop our own styles. We are working to become tighter and tighter, sound-wise and friend-wise. This may be an awfully jinx-worthy thing to say, but I think we sound pretty special. Somewhat unique. Gasp. I hope to be able to make it into the real music world with my band, Travis' band, and Stuart's future band together.